[請益] 自己寫的英文自介請幫我看一下

[lenta (Blue)]

因為是自介不是履歷 所以比較簡短 我是新鮮人 所以比較沒提到工作經歷

請幫我看有什麼地方可以改進 或是有文法錯誤..|||  感謝

My name is XXX. 26 years old. I was born in Taichung. There are 5 members in
my family: father, mother, 2 sisters ,and I. My father and mother and my older
 sister run a small business. My younger sister is studying in high school.
I graduated from XXX University last year and dischargd from the Army in
November. My major in the university is XXX. Thanks to many required and
optional courses, I gained all-around knowledge in XXX. Since my family
couldn't afford my living expense, I worked on a part-time job in a convenient
 store for nearly 2 years. I become more and more out-going, optimistic and
learned lots of ways to release my pressure during the contact with customers,
 co-workers, and of course, supervisors. The recreation activities I enjoy
are seeing movies, KTV, and several kinds of sports. My opinion for life is
no one could quit learning. Since the world changes rapidly, today's
high-tech technologies are out-dated tomorrow. Every one should dedicate
himself for progress, unless himself would be hardly to survive.

順便請教這樣會太短嗎??

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推 noruas:推~這樣寫很好
→ noruas:不會太短, 重點是簡潔清楚就好
→ noruas:我覺得很好是因為: (1)人事主管的英文也不一定很好,所以
→ noruas:自介不要太咬文嚼字,否則對方讀起來反而傷腦筋.
→ noruas:(2)他也可能要看非常多篇自介, 所以不要寫太複雜冗長
推 sharing:家人的地方可以直接省略~這不重要~
→ sharing:I become....這句用法有問題`out-going是形容personality
→ sharing:是指你的人格特質~但通常不會用become來帶~而且你應該用
→ sharing:became吧`或者完成式~若這是口語講`應該算ok~
→ sharing:但若是寫作,有些地方則需要再改進~
→ hoch:我倒是覺得這篇沒有寫到重點。樓上已經講過戶口調查不必寫，
→ hoch:另外，你應該要假設讀你這篇(或是聽你這篇)東西的人，沒有時
→ hoch:間去看你的履歷。所以你最好能簡短的把你最得意，最厲害的
→ hoch:地方呈現出來。如果你剛畢業，沒有工作經驗，你可能應該花個
→ hoch:一兩句話，告訴別人你和其他同樣科系的畢業生有何不同。而不
→ hoch:是僅僅用一句話："my major is ..."。