Re: [請益] 拜託幫我訂正一下自介

[hoch (Sanctuary)]

: [1].My name is xxx. I am an Accounting major in my senior year studying at Fu
:     Jen University.

My name is Michael Jordan. I am a senior college student at 輔仁 univerisity.
I'll be graduating next year with a bachelor degree in accounting.

: [2].During the first two years of college, even though I earned less desirable
:     grades, I continued to search for a more productive way of learning. As a
:     result I made strong progress starting Junior year, and showed myself that
:     nothing is unachievable as long as one is willing to work hard.

其實我覺得這一整段都是畫蛇添足。不過你堅持的話：

As you can see from my transcripts, I didn't earn very good grades for
the courses that I took in the first two years. [這裡要講清楚，為何你前兩年考不好，
否則你原先的講法，只有減分效果。個人意見] It was in part due to the fact
that most of the required courses in the two years are not directly
related to accounting, and at the same time I had quite a number of
volunteer works on and off campus, so I didn't pay enough attention to
the courses. Nevertheless I am sure that I've got good performance for all the courses
related to accounting.

: [3].Aside from school I had many part-time job experiences during college.
:     they not only enriched my social life but also improved my problem
:     solving skill.

Again，個人覺得 "part-time job" 和 "problem solving skill" 之間的關係
很薄弱。打工只能 "enrich social life" 吧。

I've had many off-campus working experiences, including ....[把他們寫出來]
I think those experiences are extremely helpful in terms of improving
my inter-personal communication skills, and more importantly, giving me
invaluable opportunity to become a good team-worker.

: **自己修的部份
: [4].I attended the volunteer club. I get along with other people  well.
:     I found how happy I am because I met many people there and make a lot
:     of friends.

Other than the part-time employments that I described above, I've also
participated in many volunteer organizations, such as ... ... and ...
[我覺得重點是，這些志工服務對你未來的工作，有哪些幫助] I think volunteer
work is important because "giving something back", or "helping others" is
my way to express gratitude to the society.

: [5].I am the best person because I work hard, not afraid of difficult,
:     I have confidence  do the job well.
:     我很努力，也不怕辛苦，我有信心可以把工作做好。
:     Thank you for your time.

"afraid" 好像不適合用在 difficulty。通常都是 afraid of dogs 之類的。

"the best person" 也很怪。

I am confident about my qualification for this position. I am willing
to take whatever challenges and sincerely hope you could give me an
opportunity to work at IBM.

個人覺得不需要 "thank you for your time"。要說的話：
With that I end my introduction, and I welcome any further questions.

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推 yetta2011:謝謝你幫我修正:):):)             我明天面試加油了!!!
→ yetta2011:感謝多位好心的大大   :)
推 iamamiba:加油喔 :) 你很努力 祝你好運
→ iamamiba:Michael Jordan interviewes at IBM lol
→ iamamiba:還有如果還來得及的話建議第二段刪掉 的確是減分
推 yetta2011:謝謝你們:):):) 也謝謝i大大的祝福:)     (溫馨的英文版
→ yetta2011:面試比想像中的好~但我要加強我的英文了!!!
→ yetta2011:不能都靠別人幫我:p