作者yienjion (yienjion)
看板Eng-Class
標題Re: [寫作]一個短篇小故事，可以幫我看一下文法嗎?
時間Mon Jun 11 03:00:36 2012
※ 引述《g19413 (龐龐〃)》之銘言：
: Number
: When I opened my eyes in the morning, I thought it was just a normal
: usual. I had woken up before my alarm clock rang. After I brushed my teeth, I
wakened
: picked up a dress for a date. I was supposed to meet my friend Sarah at the
: coffee shop at the corner of the street. I didn’t find out something was
I didn't find something wrong until
I was outside.
: different until I went outside.
: As I walked down the street, I noticed that everyone had a number
: above their head and the number kept changing. I didn’t pay too much
couldn't
: attention on that number; I thought that was a new-looking style .
: Sarah was already at the coffee shop before I stepped in. She waved
She waved and smiled.
: and I walked to the table after ordering. “You came pretty early!” she
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
如果你要描述每一個細節，就不能平鋪直敘地像機器一樣，
你可以直接寫 After ordering,I came to Sarah. "You are pretty early!"
: said. “I know that you would kill me if I were late. We have been friends
: for ten years.” I replied while sitting down. I noticed that there was also
: a number above Sarah’s head. So I asked her about it, “Is that a new kind
: of style?” “What are you talking about?” “The number above your head!”,
: I said. She gave me a weird look as if I was out of my mind, and said “Did
: you sleep well last night?” Then I knew something was wrong. “Am I the only
: one can see the number?”I thought and replied “Never mind.”
: I tried to figure out what happened to me. I looked out of the wind
: saw a bus stop. There was a bus going to depart while a young man was trying
: to catch it. I noticed that the number changed as soon as the man stepped on
: the bus. All the people on that bus had the same number. They all showed
: zero. While the bus was crossing the street, a truck in a fast speeds seemed
: out of control and hit the bus. With a really loud noise, the bus overturned
: and slide for long distance. It was so horrible, and a thought came in to my
: mind. The number meant the time which person have left. If it had counted to
: zero, it meant the person has no more time to live.
: I was so terrify when I found out the truth. “I need to go to the restroom.”
: I said to Sarah when she was still in astonishment. I tried to clear my mind
: by washing my face with cold water. The last time I looked in the mirror I
: couldn’t remember seeing my number. I looked up to check in the mirror. I
: saw it. I saw a number shown above my head. I only had five minutes left.
: “Am I really going to die?” the thought came in to my mind. “Is Sarah going
: to kill me?” I couldn’t help but thinking who was going to kill me. Because
: there was too much things going in my mind I tripped over and fell down the
: stairs. I screamed as I falling down.
: I kept screaming while I was opening my eyes. I could see my room’s
: It was just a dream, and my alarm had ringed for five minutes. I rushed to
: the mirror to check was there any number counting down. I breathed a quiet
: sigh of relief when I saw only my pale face in the mirror. But when I glimpse
: at the clock, I screamed and shouted, “I am late for the date! Sarah is
: going to kill me. ”
文章到後面，行文不似前面的遲滯，同一人寫的?
--
我很慶幸自己活在一個法治的年代。
出門被人揍了一拳，可以訴諸法律，討回公道。
只要你懂法律，從頭到腳，都是被保障的。
能生逢如此自由法治的時代，真是種幸福阿!
--Rita Chen
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
◆ From: 218.162.76.247
※ 編輯: yienjion 來自: 218.162.76.247 (06/11 03:02)
※ 編輯: yienjion 來自: 218.162.76.247 (06/11 03:03)
推 g19413:謝謝指教!!都是我自己寫的! 是結局部分跳太快嗎? 06/11 13:29
→ yienjion:不會 後面寫的很不錯唷 06/11 15:50
→ dunchee:I hate to say this, but ... 你改的反而更糟糕 06/11 23:03
→ dunchee:1. I had woken up ... 沒問題 06/11 23:03
→ dunchee:(->2 ....特別是第3例句) 06/11 23:04
→ dunchee:" I didn't find something wrong"-> 不是(慣用)英文 06/11 23:04
→ dunchee:"I didn’t pay too much attention ...." 沒問題。改成 06/11 23:08
→ dunchee:couldn't 反而不知所云 06/11 23:08
→ yienjion:感謝dunchee大提醒，我的確不專精，不好意思。只是提出 06/11 23:20
→ yienjion:自己的意見而已。 06/11 23:20