紅襪FAQ - 最後補充篇

[IronChef (Schadenfreude)]

最後想想忘了很多東西:

--
Doug Mirabelli's Return to Fenway
http://kilonum.info/sas/MLB/SAWX/Dougie.txt

:02 am PDT: Awoken at home by phone call from Kevin Towers. Learns he's
traded to Boston. Calls Towers a pickle smoker and tells him San Diego is for
pussies anyway.

7:05: Takes 40 naked cuts in front of a mirror.

7:07: Packs a duffel bag with 10 tank tops, 5 pairs of tight jeans, and no
underwear. Announces "Dougie's going commando" to no one in particular.

7:08: Kills it.

7:09: Kills it again.

7:10: Calls Wake, tells him "Dougie's going deep tonight!" Wake says it's
getting dusty in here. Dougie calls him a pantywaist.

7:15: Takes cologne shower. Uses Stetson.

7:21: Drives to the airport. Uses the shoulder to bypass traffic. Flips the
bird to drivers who make faces. Screams "Stay nancy, San Diego!" when someone
honks at him.

7:38: Parks Escalade in front of terminal. Flips keys to airport police
officer.

7:40: Passes through airport security. Refuses to remove 4" belt buckle for
metal detector. Offers to show TSA his security wand.

7:42: Gets three orders of chicken parm at Sbarro.

7:43: Finishes chicken parm. Belches.

7:44: Calls Nomar's house. Asks for Mr. Hamm and hangs up.

7:55: Boards First Class to Logan. Orders five Sambucas and a meatball sub.

8:10: Plane takes off.

8:11: Dougie dials Tito on cell phone. Screams "Dougie's going deep tonight!"
Tito shrieks, puts on a fourth layer of clothing.

8:12: Flight attendant asks Dougie to turn off cell phone. Dougie asks flight
attendant to turn off her high beams.

8:19: Pilot turns off Fasten Seatbelts sign.

8:19:05: Dougie enters bathroom. Kills it.

11:24 am EDT: Reads back issue of Bushwackers magazine.

11:49: Opens portable DVD player, watches Nina Hartley video. Orders three
Sambucas and veal parm.

12:30: Uses cell phone to order $1,295 worth of items from in-flight catalog.
When flight attendant protests, asks if she'd like to sit on his Brookstone.

12:34: Receives visit from co-pilot, who demonstrates the Airfone. Dougie
calls Curt Schilling on Airfone, asks if he has Prince Albert in a can. Hangs
up.

12:35: Co-pilot returns to cockpit.

12:35:15: Dougie calls over flight attendant. Asks if co-pilot is a pickle
smoker.

12:43: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone, asks if Lowe is hung over. Tells Lowe he
shaved Trinka's pubes into the shape of a D, asks Lowe if he's ever been with
a woman having revenge sex.

12:45: Calls Hazel Mae, tells her to wear something low-cut tonight. Mae
faints.

1:01: Finds Brian Giles' Amex in his wallet, calls NESN switchboard on
Airfone using Giles' Amex. Asks if Tina Cervasio is a stracciamanici.

1:15: Orders Pellegrino. Flight attendant brings Perrier. Dougie pisses in
cup, asks if flight attendant would like some Perrier.

1:20: Calls David Wells on Airfone using Geoff Blum's Visa. Tells Wells to
get his fat fucking ass in shape or he'll get a towel party.

1:34: Calls Remy on Airfone using Dewon Brazelton's MasterCard. Tells Remy to
pick out some nice Game On! girls for a postgame party tonight.

1:36: Calls the flight attendant over, asks what's the biggest sopressata
she's ever eaten.

2:03: Flight lands at O'Hare. Dougie commandeers cart for transporting
disabled, drives through concourse at 25 mph. Stops at Sbarro, picks up 2
orders of chicken parm for second flight; stops at Borders, picks up
Penthouse Letters.

2:12: Arrives at gate for Logan flight. Asks gate agent if she's ever heard
of Josh Bard or Cla Meredith. Asks if she's ever heard of the Motherfucking
2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox. Dougie smiles.

2:14: Boards into first class

2:15: Calls Ozzie Guillen on Airfone using Scott Linebrink's Diner's Club
card. Thanks Ozzie for keeping AL championship seat warm, but Dougie can take
it from here. Ozzie breaks into stream of Spanish curses. Dougie says,
"Whatever, puta" and hangs up.

2:17: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone using Josh Barfield's Carte Blanche card.
Asks if Derek ever got a rusty trombone from Trinka. Hangs up.

2:31: After spending 10 minutes trying to get Airfone to work with Rob
Bowen's SpeedPass, gives up and uses his cell to call Roger Clemens. Asks if
he's wearing Ninja Turtle shoelaces like a little bitch. When the flight
attendant protests, Dougie screams for eggplant parm and two Sambucas.

2:32: Debbie Clemens picks up the other line. Dougie offers her a Dirty
Hitler mustache

2:35: Dougie's starting tonight, so time for some BP. Goes to galley, removes
clothes except for cowboy hat, and takes 50 naked cuts. Makes eye contact
with flight attendant. Screams, "DOUGIE'S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!" He does not
have an erection.

2:45: Calls Chien-Ming Wang on Airfone using Chan Ho Park's JCB card. Tells
him the bombs we dropped on his country are nothing compared to the bombs
Dougie's going to drop on Wang tonight. Says "Wang" a few more times, laughs.
Hangs up.

3:27: Dougie wakes up from a nap and lets fly with a 10-second parm fart. He
gets Penthouse Letters from his carry-on and heads to the lavatory, grabbing
a Sambuca from the beverage cart on the way. Dougie hates courtesy flushes.

3:29: Dougie wonders where the fuck this small midwestern college is anyway.

3:30: Kills it.

3:38: Opens the lav door and demands high-quality toilet paper. Screams,
"DOUGIE CAN'T CATCH WITH A HEMORRHOID!"

3:41: Lights a match.

3:42: Fire alarm goes off. Dougie is nonplussed.

3:43: Alarm disabled. Pilot leaves cockpit, asks, "Who the hell do you think
you are?" Dougie nonchantly replies, "I'm a stud who hits bombs."

3:58: Uses cell phone to call Tito and confirm he's hitting cleanup. Tito
shrieks, puts on fifth layer of clothing.

4:15: Plane lands.

4:16: Dougie getting impatient. Sees pic of Natalie Gulbis in the in-flight
magazine. Kills it to waste time.

4:23: Gate is being swung too slowly. Screams, "DOUGIE'S GOTTA GET TO THE
PARK!" Opens exit door, deploys inflatable slide. Three Boston PD cruisers
are waiting to escort Dougie to the ballpark.

4:29: Takes call from Tom Menino. Calls him "Mayor Giuliani." Announces that
he will hit a bomb for his paisan.

4:30: The motorcade stops at Papa Gino's. Dougie orders two meatball parm
sandwiches. He leaves a $100 bill.

4:48: Dougie arrives at the ballpark. He puts Theo in a headlock and gives
John Henry a noogie.

4:51: Walks into clubhouse. Announces, "TWO BOMBS TONIGHT!" Terry Francona
gasps, locks office door.

4:54: Changes for BP. Does not wear a cup. You don't need a cup with balls of
steel.
--




--
Ortiz的nicknames:
http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/index.php?title=David_Ortiz

Big Papi
Papi
Ortizinator
Ortizzle
"Kutumba" (According to silly's building manager, who claims to have played
with Ortiz in the Dominican, Ortiz's original nickname. Supposedly
onomatopoeia for the loud sound of Ortiz's bat hitting the ball)
Not Mo Vaughn
--


--
松版去了洋機會發生什麼事情?
http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/index.php?title=Daisuke_Matsuzaka

Would be the greatest pitching prospect of all time.
Would single-handedly bring another 300 World Series Championships to New
York
Would bring Cory Lidle back from the dead and turn him into Cy Young
--
--
Bronson Arroyo好像也有外號?:
http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/index.php?title=Bronson_Arroyo

他也有外號，Tim McCarver都叫他Brandon Arroyo
--

--
內奸補充:
Alan Embree是紅襪2003跟2004年的重要左投. 在2005年被紅襪DFA, 洋機撿起來.

被打爆.
--

--
叛徒補充:
"I Will Never Be A Yankee"

http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/index.php?title=%22I_will_never_be_a_Yankee.%22

When these words are spoken by a player it is an indication that he will be a
New York Yankee within the next few years.

Only one man has ever escaped this rule. Steve Howe was ready for a comeback
with the Yankees as his pitching talents were sorely needed. He died
tragically before he could join the team.

That's right, the only way out of this unholy pact is death.
--

--
強力推薦網站:

The Dugout: http://dugout.progressiveboink.com/

The Official AIM Chatroom of the MLB
--

--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) 
◆ From: 140.112.212.196
推 mrkey:對了 Wang在美國人口中就是Penxs。 Man, this is fun
推 mrkey:我的意思是"wang"這個單字
推 A8804064:王老二
推 RafaelNadal:Lao Wang selling melons praises his own goods
推 cogentreason:Don't make fun of our countryman's
→ cogentreason:last name. It gets personal.