Re: [請益] 不好意思請大家評我的英文作文

[Nilo (辰)]

   Jogging is my favorite way of exercising. I usually go jogging at a

playgroundof an elementary school near my home after I have studied all

day long. All I need to do the sport are a pair of jogging shoes, a mp3

player, and, the most indispensable one, a sunny day.


   Jogging is the most ideal way of exercising to me, because it doesn't

require anything but my legs. Moreover, I can go jogging at any time as

long as I want. (這一段的意思已經與上文重複，建議刪除。)Everytime after

jogging, I get refreshed and feel more energetic. I think jogging has made

me feel better about myself and helped me be in good shape. I can't count

a day complete unless I'be jogged for at least 30 minutes.



  我的版本: (抱歉 很久沒改作文了，而且疏懶於寫作，改得不是很好。若有錯

             還請指出。)


   I like jogging so much that I do it nearly every day. I develop such a

habit for two reasons: the first is to relieve myself of the pressure of

studying, and the second to benefit from exercise at minimum cost (Jogging,

unlike other sports that require specially-designed equipments,

is a sport that you can do even if you lay bare your foot!)


   Jogging has two advantages for me. First, jogging lifts up my spirit and

enhances my health, allowing me to takea more intensive studying program. Also

, I make lot friends with those wholove jogging. I could hardly get through

a day without jogging for at least 30 minutes. It is well said that jogging

becomes a daily necessity to me. With such advantages, I will keep the habit

forever.




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◆ From: 114.37.28.131
推 asklepian:I make lot friends (with those) who love jogging
推 kazureyesean:"make a lot of friends with" is not idiomatic...
→ kazureyesean:You should say either "I made a lot of friends"
→ kazureyesean:or "I made friends with a lot of..."
推 kazureyesean:忘了說，寫作時要記得給予thesis以及topic sentence
→ kazureyesean:足夠的支持。你的第二段欠缺說服力的原因在於你只是
         按照你的評語，多加了一兩句。


→ kazureyesean:丟了幾個優點或事實，但彼此缺乏連結，而且跳太快。
→ kazureyesean:不過原稿的結構也是天生不良，缺乏有力明確的thesis
→ kazureyesean:讓人不知道他寫這篇文章到底想表達什麼...
→ kazureyesean:不過我覺得只剩下半個月，根本不必管英文作文了= =

     我老實說，我覺得您這樣說，對高中生似乎稍微苛刻了點。只是剩下半個月，

當然還是可以練習英文作文。您有學過學術英文寫作吧？我建議先不要拿該寫作技巧

的觀點審視高中學生。




→ crusher1002:謝謝你們幫我看我的作文，不好意思麻煩你們了
     加油，英文寫作很難，否則不會有那麼多人抱蛋，還是要加油哦。
※ 編輯: Nilo            來自: 114.37.20.24         (06/14 09:17)
※ 編輯: Nilo            來自: 114.37.20.24         (06/14 09:19)
※ 編輯: Nilo            來自: 114.37.20.24         (06/14 09:20)
推 ALegmontnick:流暢為先吧~ 結構要好實在不容易