[中英] 請教最佳翻譯!!

[spacedunce5 (讀不完的書)]

二次世界大戰被徵召入伍，水木茂在南洋感染虐疾臥病在床時，遭空襲炸傷感染，因而失
去左臂。

After being conscripted during World War II, Shigeru Mizuki lost his left arm
in a bombing raid while bedridden with malaria.




我的試譯塞不進「南洋」和「感染」兩個概念，加進去會很長很不自然。

有沒有高手願意站出來？

--
英語文工作室
http://www.wretch.cc/blog/jsengstudio/

個板
defenestrate

--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
◆ From: 122.124.102.59
推 chingfen:我頭暈...=  =  (刪掉囉XD
推 chingfen:不能拆成兩句嗎？
推 l10nel:bedridden from malaria contracted in Southeast Asia?
→ usread:during a b/r while bedridden in 南洋 with m.
→ usread:m 一定是感染,可不譯,中英修辭異.有時顯譯,有時隱譯.
推 l10nel:但，傷口感染未說出，會被誤以為是炸斷的，故：
→ l10nel:lost his left arm due to an infected wound sustained
→ l10nel:during a b/r while (he lay) bedridden from malaria
→ l10nel:contracted in Southeast Asia
→ spacedunce5:重點就是這樣好長啊………
推 l10nel:把contract明說出來，因為想把m和南洋兜在一起，如去掉
→ l10nel:contracted感覺有點怪，各位覺得？
拆句就變成：SM (XD) was conscripted. After being b-r w/ m contr in SeA, he lost
his arm due to infection of a bombing raid injury. 好像可以更好。
※ 編輯: spacedunce5     來自: 122.124.102.59       (11/05 17:36)
→ l10nel:長句短句交錯才是好看的文章，寫短句的機會很多，逮到機會
→ l10nel:秀個長句可以不必客氣
→ spacedunce5:我的句子多半都很長。囧
→ l10nel:此例兩者比較之下，我寧願讀長句。infection "of" 很怪
→ spacedunce5:@usread: 我感染是指傷口感染致截肢而非感染瘧疾，sry
→ l10nel:敘述型的內容我覺得可善用長句減少總字數避免累贅感
→ spacedunce5:bombing raid injury infection XDDD (4 nouns 0_o)
→ spacedunce5:             wound
推 l10nel:惡搞XD: He suffered a WWII-conscripted-service-bombing-
→ l10nel:-raid-wound-infection-necessitated left-arm amputation.
→ spacedunce5:讚！XDDD
→ spacedunce5:就決定用這個了（大誤
→ chingfen:Being a conscript in Southeast Asia during World
→ chingfen:War II, Shigeru Mizuki's left arm was injurd in a
→ chingfen:bombing raid and then lost due to infection while
→ chingfen:he was bedridden with malaria.
→ chingfen:(以上亂試。請鞭！感謝。)
推 l10nel:這樣寫變成左臂在服役了:)
→ chingfen:呵呵...尷尬...= =
→ chingfen:being 前面直接加Shigeru Mizuki，後面改成his left...
→ chingfen:這樣可以嗎?
→ chingfen:                 (我再想想好了...XD
推 l10nel:SM being a ..., his left arm ... 表面上似無語法的問題
→ l10nel:但就顯得怪怪的，可能因為 SM 是專名不是代名詞，說不上來
→ l10nel:我覺得較保險的改法是 Being a ..., SM suffered/sustained
→ l10nel:an injury of his left arm ... and then lost IT ...
→ chingfen:嗯，謝謝指教
→ chingfen:Being a conscript in Southeast Asia during World
→ chingfen:War II, Shigeru Mizuki was bedridden with malaria;
→ chingfen:at the same time, his left arm was injurd in a
→ chingfen:bombin raid and then lost due to infection.
→ chingfen:(越加越長...有空再縮短...ORZ)
→ usread:哈沒看到第二個感染,那原文有些累贅呢.
→ chingfen:瘧疾(O)   虐疾(X)
→ johanna:第一個「感染」改成「罹患」就好了？
→ johanna:（改原文幹嘛 XD）
推 weeee333:好久沒出現了 XD 我來試試（用詞沒太多變動）：
→ weeee333:As a conscript in the South Pacific during WW2, Mizuk
→ weeee333:was caught in a bombing raid while bedridden with
→ weeee333:malaria, subsequently losing his left arm from the
→ weeee333:resulting infection. 一般來講都英進中才會碰到「資訊過
→ weeee333:量」的問題，這句中文還真是 information-packed ＝　＝
→ spacedunce5:weeee333你的答案太讚了!!但我已經交稿了。
After being conscripted during World War II, Shigeru Mizuki lost his left arm
from a bombing raid wound infection while bedridden with malaria in Southeast
Asia.
※ 編輯: spacedunce5     來自: 122.124.101.2        (11/05 23:26)
推 MariaChen:前半句甚至「As a WWII conscript,」即可。
→ MariaChen:除非要強調「被徵召」這件事。
推 l10nel:同意樓上，而且，As 甚至可進一步省去
推 chingfen:再跟Mizuk變成同位語？
→ spacedunce5:對。
推 l10nel:我覺得這不是同位語耶，比較像補充supplement，或某種分詞
→ l10nel:構句的減省
推 l10nel:A WWII conscript, 還原成 Being a...,或As he was a...,
→ l10nel:所以是子句成份，不是同位語，這種成份總稱verbless clause
→ pentimento:有 being/as 時是修飾語，去掉後，是同位語。
推 l10nel:有興趣的人請看回文討論A WWII conscript是不是同位語 :)