Where Did I Go and Am I Ever Coming Back? - By Elle
When the real heavy changes in life are made, it is rather
snake-like. Your old skin has been outgrown and you must leave it
behind. It may be simple, but it takes concentration and
diligence. Snakes typically begin this process by rubbing their
body against rocks or other hard surfaces, so this means that it
is not something that just happens. Their skin does not just fall
off. They have to work at it; they have to make it happen. And, if
they didn't do it, if they didn't fight, they would build up all
this bulk of layers upon layers of dead skin.
Living with an eating disorder, a lot of bulk is accumulated. Too
much bulk and it becomes hard to move under all that weight. Those
years that I was lost to a life of restricting, bingeing and
purging, I forgot to take care of myself. I forgot to shed several
layers of skin. Recovery is the hard surface, the rock I need to
rub myself against to get rid of those outworn and useless layers
of skin, layers of the old me. The me who restricted, binged and
purged.
The thing is, I will never get back to who I was before I
developed my eating disorder. No matter how much skin I cast off,
the girl underneath isn't the girl I was way back then. The truth
of the matter is, I'm not a little girl anymore. In four months, I
am going to turn thirty. I'm a woman now and it's time to start
acting like one.
But when an old way of living is given up, it is natural to feel
timid, to wobble and even to mourn. It is, after-all, you who is
gone. Who you were for years is leaving you. And, it would be
irrational to think that taking away something that big would not
leave a giant hole behind. And that loss can make it hard to seem
whole. In fact, sometimes stepping through recovery feels more
like stepping through a minefield than exfoliation. Sometimes, it
feels like I have been blown apart.
But when I stay present with all of these hard feelings, when I
keep at it, when I rub up against them, instead of crumbling, I
start molting. And I get to see a new lovely me emerge. I need to
remember that the new skin is delicate, it has not been exposed to
all the rough elements yet. It burns easily.
And even if I get blown apart, it means, I will also be put back
together. Van Gogh tells me all these tiny pieces will create
something great, something never seen before, something like the
me I was always supposed to be.
I liked that girl, that girl I was before my eating disorder and
it makes me sad that she had to leave. When she comes back, I will
probably not recognize her. She will not be who I was expecting.
But, I have feeling she is still going be pretty fucking amazing
and I look forward to meeting her again and hearing all of her
wonderful tales.
--
天使和我們的沸點不同
他們容易蒸發
而且傾向於愛。
--
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