→ spacedunce5:i can't seem to build tension in 61.228.86.68 01/16 23:59
→ spacedunce5:this one 61.228.86.68 01/16 23:59
I like what you are building in this poem. If you want
tension, it might help to have stronger character (maybe
capitalise/rename "killer with three hands"?), stronger
rhythm (vivid linebreaks and punctuations?), and stronger
intent of murder, danger, or harm.
--
╭─────────────────╮╭──────╮╭─╮
│ 世界正崩毀離析，時間正傾倒頹壞。 ├┴╮ ╭┴┤ │
╰─┬───────────────╯ ├────┤ ╰┬╯
╰─────────────────╯ ╰──╯
--
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◆ From: 111.250.208.248
推 hahastarr: 210.54.148.202 01/18 07:21
推 spacedunce5:i'm thinking about a crescendo; 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:48
→ spacedunce5:the overall effect is supposed to 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:48
→ spacedunce5:be dreamlike and flowing, but i 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:48
→ spacedunce5:want a build-up, which i can't 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:49
→ spacedunce5:make happen 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:49
推 yuuyh:I think syntax also helps sometimes... 180.218.53.119 01/18 12:02
→ yuuyh:but then you might need to punctuate your 180.218.53.119 01/18 12:02
→ yuuyh:work and it might get less dream-like... 180.218.53.119 01/18 12:03