※ 引述《ppeach (水貨)》之銘言：
: 上次有來請教老師們..批改作文的分數
: 我想請教的是..除了減少文法錯誤以外 要怎麼寫可以拿到15分以上阿...
: 老師方便指出"哪一段"或"哪一句"要如何改寫 會比較好嗎??
: 先謝謝大家了
僅供參考
: On the night of last Sunday, Amy was at her home and prepaeing
Last Sunday night, Amy was at home preparing dinner*,
: for dinner. Her dog, Lucky, was waiting deside her quietly. A gorilla
and her dog, Lucky, .... ^Suddenly,/
All of a sudden
: ran in as Amy was cooking. She was so scared. Not only did she break the
ran into [the house/kitchen] 後面兩個動詞概念上不夠平行
建議刪掉"as Amy was cooking" 不太適合用not only but also
不必要重覆資訊
: dishes, but she also burst into tears right away. But Lucky didn't seem
She was so scared that she dropped the dishes ^^^X However,
on the floor and burst into tears right away.
: to be scared of the gorilla and it still wanted to eat the food on the
. It
: ground. The gorilla was so terrible that Amy couldn't move. Meanwhile,
floor terrifying/scary/hedious Right at this
moment
: the gorilla took off its mask, taking out the flowers behind him. Amy
: just realized that her boyfriend came for the proposal. Amy felt not only
then it was her boyfriend, who came to propose to her.
: surprised but touched. Therefore, she agreed with his proposal. Amy's
Amy was both surprised ^^^^^^^因為又驚訝又感動所以答應?
and touched. 奇怪的因果關係，刪除
下句改成She nodded and agreed to marry him.
: boyfriend topped off the surprise with a perfect ending.(學生原文)
最後一句不好。
可以說:
This scary episode then ended in a happy ending.之類的
* prepare dinner vs prepare for dinner
http://forum.wordreference.com/showthread.php?t=716833
我覺得有時候故事就是要多一點想像，
加一點細節，讓每個句子之間連串更緊湊順暢一點。
現在大部分學生的作文，
就是少了這樣一個環節。
寫作文不在於用多困難複雜的句型，
而是可以用簡單的字句，
寫出一篇精彩的文章。
加油。
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◆ From: 140.122.218.27
※ 編輯: SetsunaLeo 來自: 140.122.218.27 (09/27 19:10)