Re: [寫作班] 托福第15週 hsnudrum, 2

[fleuve (:D)]

※ 引述《hsnudrum (寶寶加油喔!:))》之銘言：
: ※z《dvlin (Dee)》之銘言：
: : 2. Which would you choose: a high-paying job with long hours that would
: :    give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with
: :    shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends?
: :    Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

: There are some people prefer to a high-paying job with long hours, but others
  xxxxxxxxx Some               xx                                    while
: prefer to a lower-paying job with shorter hours. The way I see it, I would
         xx                                        xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
                                                   If I were to make a choice,

: choose the later one. In the following discussion, I would reason and provide
             latter                                          xxxxxxxxxx
: evidence to support my viewpoint.

But the last sentence is still strange.
Readers would know the evidence presented when they keep on reading the essay.

: First, I think the most important thing is to spend time accompanying my
: family and friends. The family-time is invaluable, which cannot be bought by
                                                     -------------------------
: money. After a hard-working day, the only thing I want to do is to accompany
  -----redundant. The word "invaluable" already indicates "cannot be bought
by money."
: my family, and chat with my friends, only in this time can I completely relax
           x                         ;
: and refill my energy for the work tomorrow.
                               coming
: In addition, if I chose high-paying job with long hours, I would spend no
                                                                   have
: time studying English, which I suppose the most important thing I should do
                               is supposed to be the most...
: after work. So if I had no time to study, I would probably loose my
                                                             lose
: competitiveness in the society. I think there are no better reasons that can
: demonstrate this point. If you can see it, you will understand it more deeply.
: To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes forms and
                                                -----what does it refer to?
: organic whole and thus become more persuasive, I can safely reach the
  -------------?    ---------------------------?
: conclusion that I prefer to lower-paying job with shorter hours.
                           xx ^a

* The two arguments presented here are not very strong.

  There are, of course, some descriptions about your points, but those are
  generally common sense and not well-supported with enough evidence or more
  convincing examples.

  And still, the essay should be longer. ^^"

For your reference. ^^;

fleuve

--
     然後有一天我ꄠ                靠在窗
   前，會發現原來我是株                     ╭╮──╪──╭╮
   不                                        ＊   fleuve   ＊
   需要陽光的植物︴1mK︴30m直到有一天我閉上眼睛   ╰╯──╪──╰╯
   看不見自己、卻可以看見你…ꄠ                      ♂

--
※ 編輯: fleuve          來自: 118.168.40.70        (07/02 04:12)
推 hsnudrum:Thanks you very much!! ^^
推 hsnudrum:最後那句應該是 which sometimes forms an organic whole
→ hsnudrum:and thus become more persuasive, I can...
→ hsnudrum:Actually, this sentence is copied from the Internet
→ hsnudrum:I really don't know how to make a good conclusion @@
→ hsnudrum:Does it proper to put the sentence in the conclusion?