[AI. ] Top 4 (VFTW)

[nopeeking (Down Under)]

Top 4: This Article is Rated BG for Beatboxing Garbage

前四名: 本篇文章列管為「爆護級」，因為Beatboxing爆爛。

Posted by thefunnystone on May 8, 2007 - 9:34pm


Holy crap, that was painful. As if the Bee Gee’s music wasn’t hard enough
to listen to in its original form, the Idols defecated all over these
masterpieces of cheese to create one of the worst nights of Idol yet. And
although it was a VFTW victory all around, hopefully it doesn’t spell the
end for KiKi.



Melinda Doolittle is up first, singing Love You Inside And Out. It’s boring.
It’s good. It’s what we’ve come to expect from Melinda. Simon calls it a “
backing vocal performance.” I call it “a cleverly disguised advertisement
for Shrek the Third.”



For her second song of the evening, Melinda sings How Can You Mend a Broken
Heart, but she doesn’t want to curse herself by singing about rain falling
down. Smart move, but then she adds the line back in, teasing VFTW by saying
she wants us to kick her out and save LaKisha. It’s boring again, and she
throws in a few glory notes to spice it up. But it just becomes spicy boring,
not interesting. The only funny part is when Melinda says, “Help me mend my
broken heart” and points to her stomach. Her heart is in her stomach? And
why bother to fix her stomach when she needs to fix her lack of a neck first?
Paula was bored. Simon says that Melinda booked herself a place in the
semifinals. And again, I must remind Simon that the semifinals were months
ago. I reminded him of this last year too, but he didn’t listen. Even Paul
Kim had a spot in the semifinals. Nevertheless, the only chance to save
LaKisha is for all Melinda fans to stop voting. So stop it. Go watch her
magical adventures with Donkey and the Gingerbread Man on DVD.



Blake Lewis goes second, and he campaigns for VFTW votes by doing
ridiculously awful versions of two Bee Gees songs. First, he beat boxes his
way through You Should Be Dancing. The rhythm is off and he falls into the
trap of actually trying to sing the song in falshitto. The ghost of Ace Young
does a golf clap from the side of the stage. The skunk hair isn’t working
for him either, now he just looks even more emo. His beat boxing is drowned
out by the music, so it’s way less effective this week. Randy calls the
beatboxing corny, as if it wasn’t corny the 500 other times he did it. Simon
thought it was terrible.



To my utter surprise and joy, Blake decides to beat box again during This Is
Where I Came In (Chris Richardson’s Mouth). The vocals are even worse than
his first song, and the beat boxing is working even less. He’s trying way
too hard to make it work, singing about welcoming us to the danger zone or
something. Let’s hope Blake is in the danger zone, KiKi needs the help.
Randy tells Blake that he doesn’t have to beat box in every song. Of course
last week, the judges told him to beat box more often. Why do the judges
contradict themselves so much? Because they’re idiots. This is where Randy’
s opinion is tuned out. Paula drunkenly tells Blake he’s a contemporary (80’
s) rebel. This is where Paula goes out, falling over and being rushed to the
hospital for a Vicodin overdose. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest give each
other kissy faces and whine about cutting each other off, and this is where
they come out… no wait, they’re just going to hurl insults at each other
for the next 5 seasons to hide their obvious lust for each other. I don’t
advocate it or want to see it, but I’m sure they could film a porno and get
big bucks for it. Some S&M picture called That Was Dreadful, Now Lick My Man
Boobs, Bitch or something like that.



3rd is VFTW darling LaKisha Jones, and she slows down the tempo to sing
Staying Alive. Obviously she decreased the speed because she couldn’t spasm
around on stage as fast as the song would require. And it’s not as funny at
a slower tempo, but I’ll take it! KiKi still delivers a VFTW victory by
hiccupping the chorus and making some funny faces. She even peppers her
performance with more Mantasia yeah-yeah-yeahs. But the highlight of the song
is watching freaky executive producer Nigel Lythgoe in the audience swaying
back and forth, pretending to dance while clapping on all the wrong beats. So
you think you can dance, eh, Nigel? It’s quite hilarious that the man who
judges dancing can’t even move to a simple rhythm, but I’m sure the
animated gif will amuse me for months. Paula said that LaKisha brought the
mood down. No, Paula, that was the whiskey. Simon tells LaKisha that she’s
not getting a kiss tonight and calls her performance scary. I’ll tell you
what was scary… Nigel dancing. It’s like this horrible picture I’ll never
get out of my head.



For her second song, LaKisha sings Run To Me after making a very scary face
in the mirror. The green and black outfit is not working, but the song is
okay. I’m slightly disappointed until LaKisha ends it with a terribly off
key, hoarse round of notes that help seal the deal as a VFTW champion. They
also help seal the deal in the department of judge depimping. The judges want
her gone, it’s painfully obvious, so she needs our help.



Fourth, Jordin Sparks has the pimp spot for the 100th time this season. Her
first song is To Love Somebody. Her outfit is too colorful for the song, it’
s as if she’s saying “You don’t know what it’s like… to go disco dancing
with Paula Abdul on LSD!!!!!” It’s the only great performance of the first
four, so the judges go crazy pimping her. They aren’t even pretending that
there’s still a competition going on anymore and that Jordin isn’t the
pre-selected winner. I’m not even pretending anymore like this show is
watchable.



For her second performance, Jordin sings Woman in Love, trying to recapture
the magic of her I Who Have Nothing performance. It doesn’t, though. The
judges all hate it, but I just think only kind of doesn’t work… sort of
like the dress that makes her look like a bloated butterfly. It was a total
cop out for her to sing 2 ballads too, at least everyone else attempted to
have a little bit of disco fever. Simon said it was “old fashioned and
pageanty.” Then when he stops looking at his low cut t-shirt in the mirror,
he also says he hates the performance.



Lastly, Sanjaya closes out the show with I Started a Joke. The judges aren’t
laughing though, as they only give our papaya one performance, while everyone
else gets two. It’s obvious favoritism, and it needs to be stopped. Sanjaya’
s 3 foot afro wig is also one of his best hairstyles, and it really helps
make the night memorable. Who else could pull off a hairstyle that’s half as
tall as they are? No one. And no one could have prepared me for what Sanjaya
did at the end of his song… first he jumped around with no neck, then
started beat boxing, then fathered a child in under 10 minutes and used that
child for sympathy votes, followed by a goat vibrato chorus where he
continued to sing “I’m only seventeen” over and over. Folks, Sanjaya just
stole the show and proved that he can do exactly what the other 4 can, but
better. How can he not win? Well, Simon says that Sanjaya belongs in a circus
and even volunteers to get him a job if he quits the competition. Silly
Simon, Sanjaya started a joke, and he’s not giving up until he wins. So go
make your S&M video with Ryan, because VFTW will keep inflicting the amazing
pain that is Sanjaya on America until the finale, so you don’t have to.



Who’s going home? Well we picked LaKisha knowing that her time is likely up,
so it’s probably her. But I’ll pray long and hard that Melinda or Jordin
goes home tomorrow, because we need some good TV. Are you listening,
producers? Everyone hated it when you kicked off Sanjaya. We were right about
him. Listen to me this time too. Kick off anyone but LaKisha. You want your
show to succeed, right? I’ll even throw in an autograph. I mean hey, I’ve
been mentioned on American Idol by name before, which is more than any of the
producers can say. I’m famous, bitches, now treat me like the F-list
celebrity I am and keep LaKisha on the show.



等等上課無聊來翻  XD  哎呦看到標題笑的肚子好痛  XD

--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) 
◆ From: 140.113.56.189
推 DREW:This Is Where I Came In (Chris Richardson’s Mouth)
→ DREW:這句實在太賤了!!! >///<
推 tenoe:超賤的 文章整篇都很賤...但我個人希望Blake和Ryan在一起 XD
推 gjiove:一樓 我腦海裡已經浮現非常具體的影像了 AI 變得好西斯
推 lee7852:advertisement for Shrek the Third 也超毒XDD