[AI. ] Top 6, AGAIN. (VFTW 先發評論)

[nopeeking (Down Under)]

Top 6 Again- WWGGD. What Would Gina Glocksen Do? Probably Suck.

Posted by thefunnystone on May 1, 2007 - 9:22pm  http://0rz.tw/832CT
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This week, the Idols take on Bon Jovi, but none of them really rock out. Not
that this is a surprise, but they probably all rock out harder than Gina
Glocksen would have if she was still around. Oh look, she is still around. In
the audience. And Ryan rubs it in her face that she can’t bring her brand of
poserdom to us this week. Poor Gina. Sad clown. But enough about her, it’s
time to make fun of everyone else.



To Phil “Nospihlatu” Stacey, fake rocking means screaming with a scrunched
up face. He decides to scream Blaze of Glory, which as anyone who has watched
Idol knows, is not a good idea. You don’t sing songs that have the lyrics “I
’m going down in a blaze of glory.” Remember the aforementioned Glocksen? “
Smile though your heart is breaking?” It’s just not good luck. Phil Stacey
playing rocker is like Paula Abdul playing sober, it’s just not believable.
The judges mostly liked it, especially Randy, because he played bass on the
song. So that’s why the bass part sucks. Simon Cowell, with a ridiculous
fake tan, said that the song had no authenticity and that Phil looked like a
bad actor who would not make it to next week. Whenever Simon calls out our
pick like that, I make sure to vote overtime for them. That British bastard
won’t take our vampire back to his grave without a fight!



To Jordin “Cameltoe” Sparks, fake rocking means big hair with horrible Gina
Glocksen coloring. Wow, I’m really talking about Gina a lot. Sorry, I didn’
t mean to give you all nightmares. It must have been the bad Chinese food I
had for dinner. I’ll never speak of her again… until someone else acts like
a poser. Jordin runs in to greet Bon Jovi with, “Like totally oh my God, my
mom will flip out!” Great job making the band feel old, you fresh, little
sprite. I bet she told Tony Bennett that her great great great grandmother
was totally into him. When she ventures into Living on a Prayer, her notes
are halfway there. But the low notes are pretty painful. The chorus is good,
but everything else is completely out of her range. I am glad that she
attempted to rock out this week though, unlike LaKliche. Paula says the word
hot 7 or 8 times as she critiques Jordin because she's having hot flashes.
Simon says that Jordin verged on shrieking, which she does every week, yet
the judges suddenly want to call her out on it. It’d be funny if Jordin was
sent packing, but because she was pimped so hardcore last week, I can’t see
it happening.



To LaKisha Jones, fake rocking means picking a ballad that could never pass
as a rock song, even if Bon Jovi sang it. What a freaking cop out. She wants
to show us her slim side this week. What side is that, LaKisha? No matter how
you look at it, a barn’s a barn. This Ain’t a Love Song is a ballad with
about a 5 note range, so even Gina Glocksen could have pulled it off. OK, I’
m sorry. It’s just too easy. Like Gina Glocksen. Sorry! I can’t stop.
LaKisha’s lower register is really bad this week, but the judges don’t seem
to care, because Bon Jovi said she was good. Whoop dee doo. She even ends her
song with a Mantasia “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” trying to be like her baby mama
Idol. The judges love it, and Simon wants to kiss LaKisha. But what actually
happened was that Simon asked Ryan Seacrest for a kiss, and LaKisha
misinterpreted. Poor Ryan, no kiss for him tonight. For an added bonus, watch
the last close-up of LaKisha before the commercial break in slow motion. It
looks like she’s going to eat you. Mmmmmmm.



To Blake Lewis, fake rocking means dying your hair emo black and taking risks
by looking like a gay sailor. Bon Jovi calls it “rolling the dice.” Blake
calls it “risky.” I call it the same exact thing he’s done to other songs.
At least his performance of You Give Love a Bad Name is different on a show
that encourages everyone to never try anything new. And at least the bad
British accent is gone… wait, it comes back at the end. But Blake is in his
element, so it’s actually entertaining. The judges call it a “leap of faith.
” Seriously, it’s as if they didn’t know he could beat box. He does it
every other week, people. That’s what he does...besides look like a hobbit
and flirt with Chris Richardson.



Speaking of Chris Richardson, to him, fake rocking means making ugly faces
like he sucked in too much helium. Oh wait… He decides to sing Wanted Dead
or Alive, and it’s painful to listen to. Yay! Chris has by far the worst
vocal of the night, even worse than some Sanjaya songs. The background is a
cow background, because he’s a cowboy. Get it? Kill me. This is comedy gold
here, but the judges all seem to like it for some reason, which is why he’s
not the VFTW pick. He says he’s a cowboy, and on a steel horse he rides.
Since when is Blake Lewis’s penis a steel horse? I have no idea why the
judges liked it, probably because they have no taste in music and are
complete idiots. That’s just a guess though. Thanks, Chris, for helping Phil
possibly stick around for another week.



To Melinda Doolittle, fake rocking means sounding like the Aflack duck and
literally rocking her body like she’s having a seizure. She decides to sing
Have a Nice Day. Bon Jovi tells her it’s like going to church, to which she
meekly replies, “I like church. And Shrek. And Donkey.” As she sings, she
seriously sounds like a duck. Or a chicken. She’s squawking out the notes,
and it’s really bad. I never thought she could sound this awful, but I guess
she surprised us all. If she weren’t in the pimp spot this week, she’d be
going home. Why does she get the pimp spot for the 3rd or so time, and Phil
has never had it? Lame. As she pecks around the stage like a mother hen
frantically looking for her little chick, she tries to do some head bobs. But
because she has no neck, she just kind of sways her entire body around in a
seizure like motion that is far less effective. Then Melinda joins the
guitarist and has a seizure on his back. They look like Siamese twins trying
to pull apart from each other. Though when they finally succeed, the
guitarist gets the entire neck. It wasn’t good, but the judges love it. Isn’
t that the theme of the night?



Next, the VFTW contestant from 2000 and 2004 talks with his wife about Idol
Gives Back. It’s kind of lame. Doesn’t he have more important things to do?



And finally, Sanjaya Malakar fake rocks us out with Who Says You Can’t Go
Home. It’s amazing that he can sing both the guy and girl parts at the same
time when he lets his hair sing one part. And the hair… it was hysterical to
see him have masculine hair on the left side, all greased back, and feminine
hair on the right side, long and flowing. Sanjaya, you never fail to amaze.
The vocals are a true VFTW collaboration between amazing and brilliant. But
the judges don’t see it that way. Paula throws her bottle of Vicodin pills
at him and tells him that she got harassed at the airport because of him.
Simon tells him that he says Sanjaya can go home, which is a lame play on the
song lyrics. And who can blame Sanjaya for what he did next? I guess we’re
lucky a security guard was there to hold Sanjaya back, because he’s one
aggressive mother shut yo’ mouth. He would have clawed Simon’s eyes out.
But it’s ok, Papaya, you’ll be back next week. I just know you will.



Who’s going home? Timberfake is definitely saying Bye Bye Bye, and LaKliche
will probably show us her backside when she leaves as well. But I’m open to
any shockers, and Phil could definitely leave this week. So we’ll see! But
guess what we won’t see next week? Gina Glocksen. Because she couldn’t even
outlast Sanjaya and White Bread Legs McGhee. Truly sad.


這篇實在是太好笑了，貼上來給大家先分享一下！XD

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◆ From: 140.113.56.189
推 POYUANG:i personally hate this article. it's not that bad, and
→ POYUANG:i guess this person who wrote it is acting too mean 4
→ POYUANG:the sake of being mean...
→ nopeeking:Part of their job actually. 參考價值嘛，好笑就好  XD
推 ladyluck:這是VFTW的review，其目的就是謾罵嘛！習慣就好XD
推 nopeeking:我只是很興奮的發現Blake唱You Give Love A Bad Name，
→ nopeeking:所以才趕緊先貼這篇的！XD
推 POYUANG:我只能說Blake is the man tonight!  he's fantastic!
推 nopeeking:ＯＨ　ＭＹ　ＧＯＤ, Blake's BEST so far!!!!!!
推 nopeeking:THIS IS NOT JUST BEAKBOXING!!IT'S A REAL HOT ONE!!!!
推 Baudelaire:I like Phil a lot tonite..
推 nopeeking:He matched his image tonite, the off-light Vampire!
→ nopeeking:I really do think so this week. XD
推 Rfed:Talking about HOTNESS!!! Blake "the man" Lewis!!!
推 nopeeking:And Chris is not-so-surprisingly nasally bad. :p
→ gjiove:突然出現了好多英文喔。
→ gjiove:Blake 現在要開始放大絕了嗎？看來是被 Bottom 3 刺激到了
推 ladyluck:Am I the only one who HATE Blake's rendition?
→ ladyluck:"You Give Love A Bad Name" is made for SHOUTING not
→ ladyluck:for beatboxing.....Orz
推 POYUANG:well, leave the shouting for LaKisha...XD
推 enpu:I think Blake butchered it......
推 Baudelaire:I think Blake butchered it too.. it was terrible..
推 colalalala:最後一段快讓我笑死了 i am so sorry for Gina, though