Act I, Scene ii - Relentless Violators in Wonderland
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(On the same cold summer's day, Fletch, Dave and Martin are standing outside
the room which Neil, Chris, Andy and Vince are in, peering through the
broken frame of the window, noses pressed up against the cracked glass)
MART: No, no, no, no, no, NO! I REFUSE to be drawn into an exchange of
lyrics, dammit!
FLETCH: But they're having such fun in there.
MART: Are they really?
DAVE: All I know is if you didn't insist on hogging all the songwriting,
more than one of us could go and join in that conversation. I mean,
I had that great song written for "Ultra" and we could very well
have used it, but no, you said -
MART: Don't tell me you actually _want_ to take part in that inane
conversation?
DAVE (sulkily): At least I'd have something to say when we go in.
FLETCH: What about me? I don't write anything.
DAVE: You can clap whenever we say something clever - after all, that's
the only thing you do on stage.
FLETCH: I won't be clapping much for you then, will I?
(They retreat into a stony silence for two long minutes, a silence not one
of them enjoys)
FLETCH (staring harder through the window and finally breaking the silence):
You know, they're not being entirely purist about using lyrics in
there... a great deal of that exchange is only _based_ on the lyrics,
and some of it isn't at all! I think we can quite safely walk in.
DAVE: Yeah, let's do it.
MART: Why the hell would you want to go in?
DAVE (bitterly): Mart, it's bloody cold out here, in case you haven't
noticed. I swear sometimes you've got your head in the
clouds.
MART: That's my line!
DAVE: I sang it for you!
FLETCH: Oh shut up! I'm freezing and I'm going in!
(He moves towards the door with his companions in tow and knocks)
VINCE (from inside): There's someone at the door.
FLETCH: It's us!
(Vince and Neil open the door)
FLETCH: We haven't any lyrics to banter with you, but we're dreadfully cold
and we'd like to come in.
DAVE: Like cats dragged in from the rain.
MART: That's my line again - bastardized, may I add - and this time you
didn't even sing it!
NEIL: Bicker, bicker, bicker.... Come now, we shan't be dogmatic about the
lyrics thingy since we do want some entertaining conversation and we
can't possibly have that with the weak stuff Martin writes.
MART (spluttering): Weak?!?
DAVE (under his breath): Precious, more like...
FLETCH: Mart, calm down before you have another seizure. You know Neil's
only too glad to call a halt to the exchange of lyrics because he
can't keep it up much longer. Here, take a pill.
CHRIS (from inside): For crying out loud, just come in and close the
bloody door! You're letting all the cold air in!
ANDY (from inside): It's cold outside and I'm here in vain.... *sniff!*
CHRIS (from inside, testily): We're not doing the lyrics thing any more,
Andy.
(Dave, Fletch and Mart troop into the room and the door slams shut)
DAVE (inside): OOWWWW! My finger! Mart, you slammed the door on my finger!
MART (inside): Oh... erm... does this affect your singing...?
[end of scene ii]
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