An Introspective Drama in a Broken Frame
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Dramatis personae:
Vince Clarke Martin Gore
Andy Bell Dave Gahan
Neil Tennant Andy Fletcher
Chris Lowe Miscellanous minor characters
Act I, scene i - Very Crackers
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(A room somewhere between Suburbia and the Blue Savannah on a cold summer's
day. Chris is supine on a sofa, Neil squeezed into a corner at one end.
Vince and Andy are in a larger-than-life armchair.)
NEIL: *moan* What have I done to deserve this?
ANDY: Hmm... I don't believe you'd go and ever find out for yourself.
NEIL: First I was a lonely boy at the back of my garden, no strength, no
joy, then with time and age I had to change cause my behaviour was
getting strange...
ANDY: Poor unfortunate you - always wrapped up in yourself.
NEIL: ...and now I have to sit with all these awful different faces in
rented rooms and foreign places... *whinge!*
ANDY: But there are a myriad of things that you can do.
NEIL (in a superior tone): You mean "myriad things".
VINCE (in a mumbled aside): Like get a new life - or any life.
ANDY: Like pick up a pen and paper or go and talk to a friend.
NEIL: Here? But I don't speak the language, I can't understand a word.
How can I be heard in such a world?
ANDY: Erm... what happened to "I'm bilingual"?
NEIL: I only included that to rhyme with "single".
ANDY: *sigh* It's just one psychological drama after another, isn't it,
Neil?
NEIL: As if that isn't bad enough, I have to be stuck out here on the
edge of Suburbia with Chris, who hasn't left the sofa since that
bloody dog ran away -
CHRIS: I want a dog.
NEIL: I want a lover.
CHRIS: A Chihuahua?
NEIL: A Euroboy.
ANDY (to Vince): It's a crazy situation.
VINCE: I don't know what's going on. Scares me.
ANDY: Don't be afraid. I'll keep you away from harm.
VINCE: I've made my mind up not to stay. I'm leaving in the morning.
ANDY: Stay with me - or take me back to the place where I once belonged.
NEIL (interrupting): That must be the place I waited years to leave.
VINCE (sinking deep into the armchair cushions): I've had enough of you.
CHRIS (butting in): Bring me food - I need it.
NEIL: Who do you think you are?
CHRIS: I'm an artist, honey. You gonna get me a drink?
NEIL: You just said "Bring me _food_".
CHRIS: Food is the first thing, drinks follow on, of course! What are you
thinking, Neil??
(Neil rises in a huff and goes about ordering drinks and food from a barman
behind a counter which seems to have materialised out of thin air. He
returns to the sofa juggling a salad bowl, glasses, a bottle of champagne
and a bunch of daisies)
NEIL: Here - I've brought you drinks and flowers and food, and these had
better be enough because we'll be talking for hours.
CHRIS: What about shopping?
NEIL: Later tonight, Chris.
CHRIS: We're going SHOPPING! (looks at the flowers) What made you bring me
flowers?
NEIL (sarcastically): It was love.
CHRIS (snappily): Was that what it was?
ANDY (to Vince): Tempers fray so easily.
VINCE: I can't take it any more. I'm moving further away. (squeezes his
tiny frame right into the corner of the armchair)
CHRIS (overhearing): Don't you two ever argue? Ever calculate?
VINCE and ANDY: Uhm... no.
NEIL: Never _ever_ argue?
VINCE: Never. (thinks hard for a while before he's satisfied) Never.
CHRIS: I want a dog. *wail!*
NEIL: I want a lover. *moan*
ANDY (to Vince): I want to be with you.
VINCE (scratching his head): I can't remember all the lines I should say
in a situation like this...
ANDY: Say you love me.
VINCE: Say what??
ANDY: Say you love me.
VINCE (whispering): Here? Now??
ANDY: Say it as if you really mean it.
VINCE: This isn't happening to me.
ANDY: How can you say that? You know how much it means to me!
NEIL (still listening in): It's pathetic! How can you expect to be taken
seriously with all these clichés?
ANDY: We've got love in our hearts -
NEIL: We write better and more intelligent lyrics - that's what everybody
who's introspective in wonderland says!
ANDY: Your fans are on our mailing list? Vincent, do something about it -
there's malice in wonderland!
VINCE (impassively): Right. Root out the traitors and shoot them all. I
still have that gun from the Cowboy tour somewhere....
(Wonderland, eavesdropping as usual, issues a collective gasp. Every member
with divided loyalties dives for cover into Uncle Mike's closet. Huddled
together in their makeshift sanctuary they pore over the Erasure bible and
agree that since "Evil" James hasn't been much trouble lately, Madonna has
to be blamed for this latest catastrophe. In the meantime, Andy registers
Vince's tone of cool indifference and starts to wail)
ANDY: You don't love me any more! Give me the courage to die! (flings
himself dramatically across the right arm of the armchair)
VINCE (covering his eyes and turning red with embarrassment): I
sometimes wish I was dead.
NEIL: Sometimes you're better off dead... and don't you mean "I sometimes
wish I _were_ dead"?
ANDY: If I carry on I'm gonna end up with a hole in my head!
NEIL: *snigger* It's not a crime when you look the way you do!
ANDY: Where's your sense of etiquette?
NEIL (gleefully ignoring him): I've got the brains - you haven't even got
the looks!
ANDY: I can't believe what is happening to me!
VINCE: It never happens to me. Only you.
NEIL: It could happen here!
CHRIS: Hey! I want a dog!
NEIL: And I want a lover!
CHRIS: You always wanted a lover - I only wanted a job.
VINCE: And a dog.
CHRIS: Absolutely. A dog. Do I have to say it again?
NEIL, ANDY and VINCE: NO!!!
VINCE (to Neil): So what's the meaning of love? ...oops, wrong band....
NEIL: I love you, you pay my rent.
VINCE: Who needs love like that??
NEIL: Were you ever in love?
VINCE: Oh... love is just a door that's locked and there's no key.
ANDY: *sniff* Love is a loser.
NEIL: Love is liberation.
CHRIS: It's all about love!
VINCE: It's just a waste of time.
CHRIS (to Vince): Oooh, you must've lived your life lonely!
NEIL: I want someone to love me and I know I want it now.
ANDY: *sniff* Heart is made of glass.
NEIL (to Vince): You've got a heart of glass?
ANDY: I cry for your heart of stone.
NEIL: (to Andy): Will you make up your mind? A heart of glass or a heart of
stone?
ANDY: Just leave me to bleed. It's something I never should have started.
VINCE (despairing): Stop! It's plain to see you're losing all control!
ANDY: *Waaiiillllllll!*
VINCE (groans and buries his face in his hands): This is going to take a
long time....
NEIL (trying to sigh and smirk too): Sooner or later this happens to
everyone....
[end of scene i]
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