[爆卦] 背影參戰

作者rescueme (影子政府發言人)

看板Gossiping

標題[爆卦] 背影參戰

時間Thu Mar 20 00:21:25 2014

我與英九叔叔不相見已有二年餘了，我最不能忘記的是他的背影。那年冬天，我擊敗守中大哥選上台北市長，王金平院長的官司也勝訴了，正是英九叔叔禍不單行的日子，我從台北到北京，打算跟著他撈些好處。到中南海見著總書記，看見滿場先到一步的台灣退休高官將領，又想起父親花了那麼多錢還落選兩次總統，不禁簌簌地流下眼淚。英九叔叔說，“事已如此，不必難過，好在我們還有9.2%民眾支持！” 回國捐了市長薪水，與英九叔叔聯手繼續掏空台灣；又舉債辦了「真‧花博」。這些日子，台灣光景很是慘淡，一半為了薪水倒退，一半為了物價上漲。 A錢告一段落，英九叔叔要到中南海謀事，我也要回到北京見父親，我們便同行。到市場時，有朋友約去吃滷肉飯，吃了五碗，勾留了一日；第二日上午便須坐車到機場，下午搭機回祖國。英九叔叔因為事忙，本已說定不送我，叫黨裏一個熟識的黑道陪我同去。他再三囑咐黑道，甚是仔細。但他終於不放心，怕我還是被開槍；頗躊躇了一會。其實我那年已四十歲，子彈已中過兩三次，是沒有甚麼要緊的了。他躊躇了一會，終於決定還是自己送我去。我兩三回勸他不必去；他只說，“不要緊，他們去不好！” 我們進了機場。我刷悠遊卡買票，他忙著照看行李。行李裡金條太多了，得向海關行些小費，才可過去。他便又忙著和他們講「海關大哥您好，我媽媽是秦厚修」。我那時真是聰明過分，總覺他說話不夠囂張，非自己插嘴不可。但他終於講定了價錢；就送我上機。他給我揀定了靠機門的一張椅子；我將他給我做的紫茸大衣鋪好坐位。他囑我路上小心，選前之夜要警醒些，不要中槍。又囑托白狼好好照應我。我心裏暗笑他的迂；白狼只敢欺負學生，托他直是白托！而且我這樣大體重的人，難道中一槍就會死麼？唉，我現在想想，那時真是太聰明了。我說道，“英九叔叔，你走吧。” 他往車外看了看，說，“我偷渡幾個法案去。你就在此地，肥肉不要抖動。” 我看那邊立法院的柵欄外有幾千個學生等著不讓服貿闖關。走到那邊議場，須穿過鄉民，須跳過去又跳回來。英九叔叔是一個人渣，穿過鄉民自然要費事些。我本來要去的，他不肯，只好讓他去。我看見他披著結婚時用了四十年的棉被，穿著縫補過幾十次的紅色泳褲，蹣跚地走到馬路邊，混在人群中過去，尚不大難。可是他穿過人群，要爬上那邊主席台，不被發現他是馬總統，就不容易了。他用兩手攀著上面，兩腳再向上縮；他娘砲的身子向大陸方面微傾，顯出賣台的樣子。這時我看見他的背影，我的油緊張地噴出來了。我趕緊拭乾了油，怕他滑倒，也怕學生滑倒。我再向外看時，他已抱了服貿的法案往回走了。過人群時，他先將法案散放在地上，自己偷偷摸前進，再抱起法案走。到這邊時，我趕緊去攙他。他和我走到飛機上，將法案一股腦兒放在我的名牌西裝上。於是撲撲衣上的泥土，心裏很輕鬆似的，過一會突然轉頭挑釁學生說， “服貿三讀通過，哈哈！看看你們這些魯蛇！” 我望著他坐上飛機。他走了幾步，回過頭看著我，說，“下去吧，你今天還沒搭捷運。” 等他的背影混入來來往往登機的人裏，再找不著了，我便走向捷運站，我的豬油又噴了。近幾年來，英九叔叔和我都是掏空台灣、心繫祖國，台灣光景是一日不如一日。他少年出外攝影出賣台灣民主，中年與北京密談，簽了許多密約。哪知區長卻不是他！他觸目傷懷，自然情不能自已。情鬱於中共，自然要發之於台灣；正義、公理便往往觸他之怒。他待我漸漸不同往日。但最近兩年不見，他終於忘卻我們家的不好，只是惦記著我，惦記著還有些微利益能出賣的台灣。我北來後，他寫了一封信給我，信中說道， ”我身體平安，惟奶子下垂利害，跑步游泳，諸多不便，大約退出政壇之期不遠矣。” 我讀到此處，在晶瑩的油光中，又看見那娘砲的，紅色泳褲，褪色棉被的背影。唉！我不知何時再能與他相見！ 2022年10月在台灣區長官邸勘誤表：第十行「五」與「碗」之間漏打「十」字 -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 111.242.2.23

推 cicici:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:22

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推 tovshang:三小啦XD 03/20 00:22

推 FUBAR:下一篇:雅量參戰!!! 03/20 00:22

→ iamchyun:好在我們有那智障的9.2 XDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:22

推 yvmi:XD 殺小啦！又開始作文比賽了膩 XDDDDDD 03/20 00:22

噓 f204137:ㄇㄉ怎麼沒人貼葉問我要打十個大圖 03/20 00:23

推 lostinblue:有笑有推XDDDD 03/20 00:23

→ f204137:要不是怕列退我一定貼來版上=.= 03/20 00:23

推 Scott92:出師表呢? 03/20 00:23

推 ea1a:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:23

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推 jack19931993:這篇必須爆 03/20 00:24

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→ hahaluck:我竟然看完了. 03/20 00:24

推 Passive:笑了XDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:24

推 qwer495:真有畫面 03/20 00:24

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推 jackace:幹實在太好笑再推一次 03/20 00:24

推 erty:已經中過兩三槍讓我嘴角上揚了.... 03/20 00:24

→ youdie12345:o_O 03/20 00:24

推 b0204888100:XDDD快笑死 "肥肉不要抖動" 03/20 00:24

推 psku:XDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:24

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推 p112233: 03/20 00:24

推 spaceview:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:25

推 cul287:XDDDDDDDD 但還是覺得014老婆的背影經典文好 03/20 00:25

推 k42926:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:25

推 hitsukix:幹改的不錯XDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:25

→ guysBBBB:我偷渡幾個法案去。你就在此地，肥肉不要抖動 XDDDDDDD 03/20 00:25

推 yhhdfd:徵文比賽開始 03/20 00:25

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推 zeta731115:廢文大賽還沒到阿~ 03/20 00:26

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推 opces:再推一次肚子好痛太好笑了 03/20 00:28

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→ sizumaru:「我偷渡幾個法案去。你就在此地，肥肉不要抖動。」XDDDD 03/20 00:28

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噓 f791026:紅明顯,紫毛大衣應做紫茸大衣 03/20 00:28

感謝提醒

推 bye2007:改的很好笑啊梗超多的 03/20 00:28

推 itachi0609:我真的笑翻了XD 03/20 00:28

推 DIPO:神文 03/20 00:28

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推 juti624:殺小 XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:29

※ 編輯: rescueme 來自: 111.242.2.23 (03/20 00:30)

推 area41gold:我等等要寫個出師表參戰 03/20 00:30

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推 v73659:不推不行 03/20 00:31

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推 nineveh:幹等等你到底是要搭捷運還是要搭飛機你搞得我好亂 03/20 00:34

英九本來要跟神豬一起搭飛機，後來要婊他，把他趕下飛機叫他去搭捷運。

推 evelyn055:勘誤表XDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:34

→ d86012005:可惜最後反了要搭飛機的是作者不是英九叔叔 03/20 00:34

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推 UundeadT:怎麼沒有橘子~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 03/20 00:35

※ 編輯: rescueme 來自: 111.242.2.23 (03/20 00:36)

→ s8227217c:100分 03/20 00:35

推 yesman2210:英九叔叔是個人渣XDDDD 03/20 00:35

推 tsaibeauty:讚啦 03/20 00:35

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推 QQKM:XD 03/20 00:36

推 moonshen:他娘砲的身子向大陸方面微傾，顯出賣台的樣子。 XDDDDDDD 03/20 00:36

推 k730204:XDDDDDD 03/20 00:36

→ moonshen:太有才了我的媽 XDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:36

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推 JOJOttt:肥肉不要抖動XDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:39

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推 polarg:XDDD 03/20 00:39

推 chelsea1035:好好笑!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 03/20 00:40

→ dnek:紫茸大衣XDDDDD 03/20 00:40

推 b6byc:有笑 03/20 00:40

→ dejaoha:XDDD 03/20 00:40

推 s30127s:good 03/20 00:40

推 KaiXD:e04 XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:40

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推 bluedragon97:XDDDDDD 03/20 00:49

推 AndyWT:“服貿三讀通過，哈哈！看看你們這些魯蛇！” XD 03/20 00:50

推 firstname: 他娘砲的身子向大陸方面微傾，顯出賣台的樣子。XDDDDDD 03/20 00:50

推 lfi:XDDDD 03/20 00:52

推 LynnLynnLynn:XDD 03/20 00:53

推 Arim:讚 03/20 00:53

推 Emmiz:暴怒的心情一下轉到笑翻XDDDD 03/20 00:53

推 hhalleberry:好有畫面眼淚直流阿!!! 03/20 00:53

推 iangjian:XDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:53

推 shorty696820:這篇根本極品XDDDDD 03/20 00:54

推 aacs0130:太有才了 03/20 00:54

推 ihatechina:神作 03/20 00:54

推 Usachan1119:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 00:55

推 chubbytingyi:笑到剖腹產的傷口好痛！超好笑阿 03/20 00:55

媽媽請保重

推 firstname:朱自清大概沒想到他的背影在後世會紅成這樣XD根本素材ww 03/20 00:55

推 bbo6uis122:推~太有才了!!! 03/20 00:55

推 BingBaKing:快笑死了啦XDDDD 03/20 00:56

推 catvsdog:太好笑了XDDDDD 03/20 00:56

推 Ives20130:有神阿!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 03/20 00:56

推 tofu1991:哈哈哈哈哈哈 03/20 00:57

推 jimnno:有才,這個厲害 03/20 00:58

※ 編輯: rescueme 來自: 111.242.2.23 (03/20 00:58)

推 Shellyliquid:XDDDDDDD 03/20 00:58

推 theDorcus:不錯笑喔! 03/20 00:59

推 wagamamaJ:簡直太有才！！ 03/20 00:59

推 ching620:XDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:00

推 xiaoyao:又看見那娘砲的，紅色泳褲，褪色棉被的背影 XDDDDD 03/20 01:00

推 plane0110:哈哈哈哈哄堂大笑 03/20 01:00

推 usoko:文采甚好，封你做文化部長 03/20 01:01

推 shalayuki:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:01

推 okladavid:威 03/20 01:01

推 wowkg21:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:02

推 astushi:有才 03/20 01:02

※ ul4fm4xk7:轉錄至看板 joke 03/20 01:03

推 dondothat:介於天才與亂寫之間 03/20 01:04

推 lemonland:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:04

推 coolboychiu:超好笑 03/20 01:05

推 MAYDAY21314:看了一堆鼻酸的事，來點有趣的也好。 03/20 01:06

推 polotower:有神快拜XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:08

推 Sranna:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:09

推 totogood:XDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:10

推 keny80206:太強大了 03/20 01:11

推 tomakai:100分~ 03/20 01:11

推 catv:XDDDDDD 等雅量啦XDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:12

推 bearbar2004:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:13

推 guepard:天才XDDDDD一個人渣，穿過鄉民自然要費事些。 03/20 01:13

→ DEVILxCAROL:肥肉不要抖動XDDDDD 03/20 01:14

推 l835566:XDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:14

推 aswtyily:很振奮精神的好文XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:19

推 m22541:幹超好笑 03/20 01:19

推 c568221:預言文 03/20 01:21

推 zhitei:神作啊 XDDDDD 03/20 01:21

推 dbluewind:強大給推XDDDD 03/20 01:23

推 ray1286:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:24

推 rexptt:肥肉不要抖動XDDD 03/20 01:26

推 tyai:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:27

推 atom1130:你很煩耶XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:28

推 happsey:肥肉不要抖動XDD 03/20 01:29

推 Dulcia:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:29

推 yuiefay:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:31

推 lucyfafa:XDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:34

推 Shellyliquid:XDDD 03/20 01:34

推 Moratti:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:34

推 userpeter:XD 03/20 01:37

推 lomaka:厲害！ 03/20 01:38

推 dragon2000:沒禮貌我在吃東西耶 03/20 01:39

推 wilson78225:笑死XDXDXD 03/20 01:42

推 Kenqr:XDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:43

推 yaieki:爆笑XDDDD 03/20 01:43

推 satyrs05:真的有酸 03/20 01:47

推 kiyasolong: 03/20 01:50

推 hirabbitt:他娘砲的身子向大陸方面微傾，顯出賣台的樣子。 XDDD 03/20 01:52

推 robin26:幹肥肉不要抖動笑翻XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:53

推 apple82055:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:57

推 repression:神文推 XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 01:58

推 wishyouhowev:強 03/20 02:01

推 ienari:太好笑了 03/20 02:05

推 Trionychidae:服貿作文大賽開跑 03/20 02:12

推 HNO3:幹神作 03/20 02:15

推 seong321:有笑有推 03/20 02:15

推 secretywy:神人發文！ 03/20 02:32

推 zuan:好錶XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 02:40

推 OEASI:幾爸昏 XDDD 03/20 02:40

推 chipe7424:笑死了!!!神作!!!子彈已中過兩三次，是沒有甚麼要緊的了 03/20 02:48

推 lemongoo:好文推 03/20 03:08

推 candy50226:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD幹笑死我了 03/20 03:11

推 Bluebear:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 03:25

推 nsmmsn: 大笑大推 XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 真-神文! 03/20 03:33

推 vvivv:神作XD 03/20 03:40

推 jsbptt:傳世神作 03/20 04:54

推 mikeway:推 03/20 06:33

推 colenken:看見神了 03/20 06:54

推 durant1224:幹你老師的..真的要大推了.. 03/20 07:03

推 idjoy:好看哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈笑死了 03/20 07:31

→ ayaerika:XD 03/20 07:45

推 gfneo:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 08:19

推 danieo: 03/20 09:05

推 clairen:神作!!超好笑 03/20 09:16

推 Tomatowei:幹只能推了！ 03/20 09:25

推 emissary:神作！XDD 03/20 09:34

推 italyrb:尼郝強！ 03/20 09:43

推 a12569:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 10:30

推 cishtu18: 03/20 10:35

推 sakaizawa:幹我也噴了XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 10:54

推 po521:.. 03/20 11:21

推 kuaiphoto:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 11:40

推 TKCH:靠北超好笑的 XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/20 12:39

推 dlw:這改寫得太靠杯，太強大了！！給推 03/20 13:21

推 dodo577:推! 03/20 15:29

推 minby:我好擔心原PO啊，快寫張不自殺聲明書出來貼在身上啦 03/20 16:50

推 I57: 03/20 19:37

推 kaede1412:XD 03/20 22:09

推 zztopman:豬自清的版本 XD 03/20 23:07

推 jerryhope:不推不行太好笑了 XD 03/21 00:53

推 t1o0m0a7:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/21 09:55

推 rainying:完全是精髓！太好笑了。 03/21 10:06

推 funnyrain:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/21 12:46

推 stevely:XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/21 13:54

推 saidon:你的國文老師會為你感到驕傲!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 03/21 14:21

推 PSRY:有夠哭爸給推啊！！XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/21 15:38

推 nucleolus:笑慘了我... 肚子好痛!!! 03/21 23:45

推 dummy5566:神作！ 03/22 00:38

推 going2u:幹要笑死XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 03/22 01:05

推 ling0210:大推啦！！！！ 03/22 02:18

推 ny2f71:笑翻肚子都痛了 03/22 19:23

推 changik:朝聖推!!!!!! 03/22 20:46

推 oplk:朝聖XD 03/23 02:13

推 tarimasu:哩就靠北XDDDD 03/23 02:30