推 eslite12:XD 03/10 23:43
推 Zatarra:基歪 XD 03/10 23:53
推 isaacchen:XDDD 03/11 12:26
我覺得最妙的是Well, at least we didn't invade Germany. ~~~~~
標題:A Wartime Scenario, Starring the Swiss
新聞來源:
http://select.nytimes.com/iht/2007/03/10/world/IHT-10globalist.html
A Wartime Scenario, Starring the Swiss
By ROGER COHEN
Published: March 10, 2007
NEW YORK
For those who missed it, the big news of the month was the Swiss invasion
of Liechtenstein. It was a mistake. According to The Associated Press,
170 highly trained infantry soldiers poured over the border brandishing
assault rifles before realizing their error and withdrawing. Here's what
might have happened:
PRIVATE FREY (Swiss Army): Sergeant, bad news, we've invaded Liechtenstein.
SERGEANT ZIEGLER: What's that?
FREY (peering through field glasses): Yep, we're about 2 kilometers inside
Liechtenstein, sir. Lots of trees, some castles.
ZIEGLER (irritated): Well, at least we didn't invade Germany.
(哈 ~ 經典 ~ )
PRIVATE PESTELACCI: Ha, ha, ha. Good one, sir.
FREY (puzzled): But I thought one democracy has never been known to invade
another. That's what our new post-Cold-War doctrine says.
ZIEGLER (contemptuous): Liechtenstein, Frey, is a principality. And a tax haven.
FREY: Of course, sir. That was dumb of me.
PESTELACCI (nervous): Do they have an army?
ZIEGLER: Damned if I know. Do any of you see one?
PRIVATE SEEBACH (tentatively): Don't believe Liechtenstein is in possession of
an army, sir, or anything resembling one.
ZIEGLER: Ha, ha, ha. That's a good one, Seebach. A country without an army!
Next you'll tell me they don't have any inhabitants. Now that we're here,
anyone for a surge?
FREY (concernd): I'm radioing headquarters in Bern for instructions, sir.
Meanwhile, at Supreme Allied Command in Mons, personnel in the NATO
Intelligence Division who happen to be playing around with Google Earth
have spotted the Swiss incursion, setting off alarm bells.
(北大西洋情報組織的員工剛好在玩google earth....)
LIEUTENANT SVECZ (U.S. Army): Seems the Swiss have invaded Liechtenstein, sir.
MAJOR REINGOLD: Can you believe Britney got a buzz cut?
SVECZ (insistent): Sir, the Swiss Army, which according to our latest
intelligence numbers over a quarter of a million men and women, has entered
Liechtenstein.
REINGOLD: I reckon she's into a wild-child phase. You know, post-divorce,
post-partum. They're probably selling her hair on eBay.
SVECZ (shouting): Swiss rumbling over Liechtenstein border, sir!
European invasion!
(瑞士人大舉入侵列支敦斯登,sir!! 歐洲人入侵了!!......)
REINGOLD: Are you serious, Svecz? What would you pay for a Spears lock?
The phone rings - the Pentagon hot line. Svecz picks up as Reingold tosses
away his copy of US Weekly.
(US weekly...哈哈~~)
COLONEL EASTERBROOK (Pentagon): Are you guys onto this Swiss invasion???
Looks serious.
REINGOLD: On it, sir. We think it's a mistake. Once the Swiss set their
watches, they'll be back on base eating milk chocolates in no time.
Remember, colonel, they're neutral.
(等瑞士人調好他們的手錶他們就會回去吃牛奶巧克力了........)
EASTERBROOK (outraged): Have you lost it, Reingold? Neutral? We've been
war-gaming this for months. Don't you recall that world markets are a
prime Al Qaeda target? Take down the West by penetrating numbered Swiss
and Liechtensteinian accounts! This Swiss Army unit has probably been
penetrated by Qaeda and is seeking Liechtensteinish regime change.
(反正什麼事情都和Al Qaeda有關)
REINGOLD: Right on top of it, sir. Lieutenant Svecz! Scramble the 10th Air
Force and put the 1st Armored Division on alert.
SVECZ: They're in Iraq, sir.
(哈哈哈)
REINGOLD: Well, dammit, find somebody this side of Phoenix who isn't.
Meanwhile, in Vaduz, Liechtenstein's metropolis, the reigning prince has
just finished a dinner of roast pheasant with rosti potatoes and is settling
down to watch TV, when his trusted political aide, Ulrich Feuermaul,
bursts in.
THE PRINCE: Aaah, Feuermaul, should be a good evening. They're down to the top
12.
FEUERMAUL (agitated as he bows): Excellency, the Swiss have invaded.
THE PRINCE (chortling): Yes, the top 12, this is when "American Idol" gets
interesting. It's a question of survival, and knowing what you're about,
something we royal families understand!
FEUERMAUL (very agitated): The Swiss are more than two kilometers inside our
borders and seemingly armed to the teeth, Excellency.
THE PRINCE (laughing): Very funny, Feuermaul. You'd better call out our army.
Have you visited the Idol Chatter blog? It's great.
FEUERMAUL: We don't have an army, Excellency.
THE PRINCE: Aaah, yes, I'd overlooked that. Bummer!
(哈~~~~)
FEUERMAUL: Excellency, we've been war-gaming this for a while now.
The Swiss come in here as surrogates for the Americans and try to
impose democracy. This Bush administration is demonic about democracy.
THE PRINCE: But we are a democracy, my dear Furby. People vote from time to
time for that silly thing - what's it called again? - the Landtag.
FEUERMAUL: Up to a point, Excellency.
THE PRINCE: Shut up, Furby. Melinda Doolittle's up.
(Melinda Doolittle是america idol的競賽者..)
Back in the advanced Swiss position, agitation is rising as Sergeant Ziegler
shows growing signs of wanting to press on to Vaduz.
ZIEGLER (voice rising steadily): Tell me, Frey, what's the point of having
compulsory military service, annual training and 130 combat aircraft if we
can't fight a real war once we've started one?
FREY: General Meseritcher in Bern is categorical, sir. We are to pull back
pronto.
ZIEGLER: Meseritcher is old-school neutral. He doesn't understand preemptive
war and the global push for democracy.
SEEBACH: Which way is back?
PESTELACCI: Yeah, we don't want to invade Germany on the same day.
ZIEGLER: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, Pestelacci. You have a future.
FREY: Back is the way Americans never go.
(這好笑...)
At NATO headquarters, the first signs of a Swiss pullback are greeted with
relief. Reingold is quickly on the secure line to Easterbrook at the
Pentagon.
REINGOLD: Sir, as I predicted, the Swiss are pulling out.
EASTERBROOK: Could be a feint, Reingold. These wusses with their box-cutters
- I mean their pen- knives - are devious.
REINGOLD: With respect, sir, some countries that make a bungled invasion do
decide to withdraw.
EASTERBROOK: Reingold, that's seriously out of line.
THE PRINCE (sipping port): This Melinda is terrific.
FEUERMAUL (entering once more): Danger averted, Excellency. The Swiss are
retreating for now. Back to the Vatican!
THE PRINCE: Everything passes, Feuerball. Tell me, do you think Dick Cheney
would accept honorary Liechtenstein citizenship? He has some interesting
ideas about executive authority and democracy.
(你覺得錢尼會不會接受當我們的榮譽市民 ?)
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
◆ From: 61.229.133.212
※ 編輯: oreoloveme 來自: 61.229.133.212 (03/10 19:46)