Brass
Trumpet
Conductor: "Guys, I need you to play with more dynamics!"
One of the trumpet players: "But boss, that's already as loud as we can play!"
Courtesy H.W.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.
How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.
Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement?
Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"
What's the secret trumpet handshake?
Shake hands and say "Hi! I'm better than you."
Courtesy P.C.
What's the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.
Courtesy A.M.A.
What's the best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto?
Music Minus One.
Courtesy Barth
What do you call a house occupied by 5 trumpet players?
A crack house.
Courtesy Barth
What is the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
Gee, I don't know either!
R.B.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They are both murder on the high C's.
Courtesy Kirk Sobell
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
Courtesy JC
Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one
next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and
make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"
Courtesy R.N.
(How did the trumpet players get that much money in the first place?)
Courtesy Liz Fox
French Horn
How does a woman know when she's dating a French horn player?
Whenever he kisses her, he has his hand up her rear.
Why is the French horn the most divine insturment?
Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.
Courtesy Barry Smith
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and split every second note.
Courtesy G.T.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.
Conductor: "Back to bar one."
French hornist, "My part doesn't have numbers."
Courtesy Barth
What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A goal post that can't march.
Courtesy Barth
How many French hornists does it take to play split lead?
One.
Courtesy Barth
What is the difference between an old car without a muffler and French horn?
The car without a muffler is more likely to be in tune.
Courtesy Kidd
Trombone
Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.
What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?
A gentleman.
What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
"Computer: End program!"
What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A good idea!
Courtesy Steve
How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door?
The doorbell drags.
Courtesy A.K.
How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
Courtesy E.H.
What does a trombonist say at his night job?
"Would you like fries with that?"
Courtesy M.W.
How many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
Courtesy E.K.
What kind of calander does a trombonist use for his gigs?
Career-at-a-Glance.
Courtesy U.H.
Why do trombonists make the best lovers?
Trumpet players do it with 3 fingers. Baritone players do it with 4 fingers. But trombonists do it in 7 positions.
Courtesy L.N.
How can you make a trombonist's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Dominoes Pizza sign off of it.
Courtesy L.L.
What's a trombonist's favorite TV show?
Saturday Night Live.
Courtesy Barth
How does a trombone teacher charge for lessons?
On a sliding scale.
Courtesy R.B.Carter
What do you call a dead trombonist?
1) A blessing.
2) A stiff boner.
Courtesy Alexander J. Ho
What's the difference between a talented hockey player and a talented trombone player?
Hockey players are supposed to hurt people with their talents.
Courtesy A.B.
A trombonist just died and is on his way to heaven. He is feeling great, for he thinks he has never to play that damn instrument again. When he
visits the Holy Announcement Board, he sees that the rehearsal of the Holy Orchestra is to be at 4p.m. on Clouds 30-40. Already pissed, he
goes there and sees a giant orchestra, consisting of 1 million violins, 800,000 violas, 600,000 cellos, 400,000 basses, 50,000 each woods,
40,000 trumpets, 10,000 timpani, but he just cannot find any trombones. Then after a while he sees one lonely trombonist who is really happy to
get company. The piece starts and about a million violins start playing a soft ppp, then about 800,000 violas come in, then the 600,000 cellos,
then 400,000 basses, then 50,000 clarinets, 50,000 oboes and bassons, 40,000 trumpets and everything is still at p. Then comes the first cue
for the 10,000 timpani and now, finally, there is the first cue for the 2 trombones. They play their first note and the conductor breaks up,
screaming "Trombones, too loud!"
Courtesy U.M.
What's the formula for the number of McDonald's employees in a trombone section?
Total number of players minus the number of Burger King employees, minus the number unemployed.
Courtesy A.M.
What did the trombone player do when he won the lottery?
Silly, you know trombone players can't afford tickets!
Courtesy A.M.
Why should we pity the second trombone player?
He's the only one who couldn't get the piccolo player into bed.
Courtesy A.M.
In an orchestral arrangement, what's the difference between the third trombone part and the tuba part?
The bassoon cues.
Courtesy A.M.
Bass Trombone
How can you tell when a bass trombone is out of tune?
The bass trombonist is also present.
Courtesy A.M.
How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Courtesy G.B.
What do you say when you meet a bass trombone player who can improvise?
1."Need... Wa... Wah... Water...(thud)"
2."They're coming to take me away, ha ha!"
3."Maybe that was one too many beers."
4."How long will your tenor be in the shop?"
5."I must be dead, but is this heaven or hell?"
Courtesy A.M.
Valve Trombone
What's the difference between a valve trombone and a baritone horn?
If you run over a baritone nobody cares. If you run over a valve trombone, every real trombonist in the world thanks you.
Courtesy A.M.
Baritone Horn
How do you call a baritone player?
Euphonium.
Courtesy J.E.G.
What do you call a baritone player with a beeper?
An optimist.
Courtesy J.E.G.
Tuba
What's a tuba for?
1-7/8" by 3-7/8" (unless you request full cut).
What's the range of a tuba?
About 20 yards if you've got a good arm.
What do you clean your sousaphone with?
With a tuba toothpaste.
Courtesy Capezza
What do you fix it with?
A tuba glue.
How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.
Courtesy C.J.C.
What's the difference between a tuba player and a dead guy who was once strung out on drugs and wore gay clothing and had no purpose in life
because he lived with his parents and he had no money?
The dead guy is dead.
Courtesy J.K.
An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hit-man. He got an assignment for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one
side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first and why?
The target - business before pleasure.
Courtesy S.W.
Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
Courtesy E.K.
Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!!
Courtesy L.R.
Why should you have to be a tuba player to work for a furnace repair service?
Tuba players know everything about hot air!
Courtesy A.B.
Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Courtesy Barth
How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to congratulate him down at the pub afterwards.
Courtesy Jack D.
A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands.
When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the
street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the
counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as the ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie
the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and
thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"
Courtesy C.T.
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