Woodwinds
Double reeds
Oboe
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.
Courtesy J.R.
What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
Principal.
Courtesy Barth
How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb.
One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
Courtesy Barth
Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting so many ducks?
He paid an oboe player to go along with him and play.
Courtesy M.R.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears
drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When
the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his
guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have
sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now.
With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo".
Courtesy J.D.
A conductor calls the doctor to find out what to do after the oboist swallows her reed. The doctor replies, "Have you tried muted trumpet?"
Courtesy Barth
What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and Star Trek?
Star Trek could actually happen one day.
Courtesy Emily Sheets
English Horn
How many English horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
They can't -- they gyrate too much and fall off the ladder.
Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.
Courtesy JENNI
Bassoon
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on.
Courtesy EJ66
2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!
Courtesy G.T.
What's the best use for an oboe?
Using it to light a bassoon on fire.
What's another name for a bassoon?
A farting bedpost.
Courtesy A.H.
Why don't bassoonists ever catch AIDS?
Even viruses have pride.
Courtesy Barth
How many bassonists does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One to eat, one to watch for traffic.
Courtesy Barth
Flute
How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.
Courtesy G.S.
How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.
Courtesy Barth
How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- they will get their boyfriend to do it.
Courtesy Robert Sepanik
How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he'll spend 10 minutes twisting it back and forth until it's just right.
Courtesy Zac Martin
How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
Piccolo
How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.
What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
Courtesy S.W.
What's the difference between a piccolo and a dog whistle?
1.The what between a piccolo and and a dog whistle.
2.Dog whistles are played by men to attract dogs.
3.If you have good ears, you can hear a dog whistle.
4.A dog whistle irritates only one species.
5.Tuning.
6.In marching band, the dog whistle is dangerous, while the piccolo is merely useless.
7.The price.
8.The value.
9.People with dog whistles usually know how to play them.
10.You can't tune a piccolo.
Courtesy A.M.
Alto Flute
What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G -- I really don't care, either!!
Clarinet
Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Courtesy C.A.P.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Courtesy Barth
What is the best use for duct tape?
Taping a clarinetist's mouth closed.
Courtesy A.B.
How do you prevent an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
Courtesy A.B.
What's the difference between a clarinet's and a saxophone's hospital use?
The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the clarinet to wake coma patients.
Courtesy M.R.
Why do clarinetists blow their horns between their legs?
That's all the excitement they can get.
Courtesy B.S.
Alto Clarinet
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
(Also, someone who has one of those combination TV-VCRs in their home.)
Bass Clarinet
How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
Contrabass Clarinet
What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
Saxophone
What do a saxophone and baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Courtesy C.S.
What are trumpets made out of?
Leftover saxophone parts.
Courtesy J.D.
The soprano, not smart enough to use birth control, said to her saxophone lover, "Sweetheart, I think you'd better pull out."
"Why," he asked her, "am I sharp?"
Courtesy R.H.
You may be redneck saxophonist if ...
... you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
... you spell it "saxaphone".
... you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold an ice-cold longneck during a gig.
... the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
... you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest jazz musician that ever lived.
A saxophone player dies, and, as heaven seems quite boring to him, he finally gets permission to visit hell for an hour. As he opens the door to
the music hall down there, he sees the devil conducting an All Star big band with a free chair right between Parker and Coltrane. Immediatly he
goes back and tells God: "This is it, I'm going to switch for good!" A little later he sits playing next to his idols, but the whole band seems to vamp
on the last shout chorus for hours. Eventually he gets up and asks the devil:" Excuse me Sir, when are we going to play the coda?" In response,
the devil just grins...
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
Kenny G
What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel's Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel's Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel's Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel's Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel's Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel's Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel's Bolero?
Courtesy L.C.
Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"
Courtesy J.H.
What should one take to a Kenny G concert?
A good book.
Courtesy S.
How does a Kenny G concert end?
"Excuse me, sir. Wake up, the concert's over."
Courtesy Capezza
You're in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G. You have a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Hitler and Stalin, then pistol-whip Kenny G. It's not necessary to kill him, only make him forget how to play the saxophone.
Soprano Sax
Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs.
If you can play low A on a tenor sax by sticking your foot in the bell, how can you play it on a soprano sax?
As a guy walks thruogh a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish, whatever it might be. So he takes out a pocket atlas and
points towards different continents: "See, here, is suffering, there, is hunger and over there, people are tortured. I want all people to be free and
healthy! Can you do that?" The fairy sighs and says: "Well, this is very hard, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another
wish instead that would make it a little easier?" The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. See, I play the soprano saxophone, and I have
such a hard time with the intonation in the upper register. Do you think you could..." "Okay, okay, let's look at your atlas one more time..."
Courtesy H.W.
Alto Sax
Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.
Why can't alto saxophonists stay married?
Blaming it on the reed doesn't work.
Courtesy Ryan Allen
C Melody Sax
How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
Both of them.
Tenor Sax
If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return it.
What't the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
Baritone Sax
How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
Courtesy H.W.
Bagpipes
Why do bagpipe players march when they play?
1. To try to get away from the sound.
2. It's harder to hit a moving target.
Courtesy B.S.
What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
Leave them there.
Courtesy D.P.
What does one bagpipe player never say to another?
"Hey man, what key's it in?"
Courtesy R.L.
Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke?
The Scots haven't gotten it yet.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
This fellow walks into a bar with an octopus and says to the bartender "I'll bet you a shot of whiskey that this octopus can play any instrument on
that stage." "You're on", replies the bartender. So the fellow puts the octopus on the piano, away the octopus goes, jamin' Bach, Beethoven and
some Jerry Lee. The bartender was dumbfounded. "I'll bet you he can't play the drums", says the bartender. "You're on." So the fellow puts the
octopus on the drums and away he goes all 8 arms flying, just smokin' out Buddy Rich, Neal Peart, John Bohnam. "That's incredible", replies the
bartender, "but can he play those bagpipes?" "You bet", so the fellow takes the octopus and puts him on the floor and gives him the bagpipes.
All of a sudden there's this horrible squeeking sound as the octopus wrestles with the bagpipes. "HA! I knew he couldn't play those bagpipes",
replies the bartender. "Just give him a few minutes", says the fellow, "once he figures he can't screw them, he'll play them."
Courtesy Ken St Antoine
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