[新聞] Joba's big night will be a success -- if there are two

[leddy (耿秋)]

Joba還沒投, 投球的結果就出爐了, 太長了沒時間翻, 超好笑。

http://www.sportsline.com/mlb/story/10851298/1

Joba's big night will be a success -- if there are two of him
June 2, 2008
By Larry Dobrow
Special to CBSSports.com

It is finally here, the moment up to which every sports fan's life has been
building. A happening that will make the Gods cheer and the seraphim sing. An
event so monumental it will make the first of Michael Jordan's
re-un-retirements look anticlimactic.

Joba Chamberlain will make his first major league start Tuesday night in The
Bronx, USA.

He will dominate. He will reign. He will make you forget all those who came
before him.

He will throw 68 to 72 pitches, maybe.

Just how anticipated is Joba's starting-rotation bow? The broadcast networks
waved the white flag, serving up a mix of House reruns ("House makes an
improbable diagnosis and acts all ornery and whatnot") and election coverage.
The NHL bumped the potential Game 6 of the Stanley Cup playoffs back to
Wednesday so as not to intrude upon the low-brimmed righty's spotlight dance.
The NBA delayed the start of the 2008 Finals by two days, just in case the
country needs Wednesday to digest the beacon of magnificent awesomeness that
is Joba.

So outside of the expected -- a no-hitter, a quasi-religious experience, the
dawning of a new age in contemporary sports and, indeed, Western civilization
-- what can we expect from Joba's first A-team night on the big stage? It'll
probably go something like ...

4:25 p.m.: Joba arrives at Yankee Stadium in his blue Duster, escorted by a
NYPD motorcade. After a horde of squealing teenage girls attempt to upend the
car, cops cordon off the scene and mace the offending parties. In the ensuing
confusion, eight SWAT team members extract Joba from the vehicle and hustle
him the 75 yards between the players' parking lot and the stadium entrance.
Ever respectful, Joba insists on holding the door for everyone.

4:31 p.m.: Joba changes from his street clothes -- head-to-toe Ermenegildo
Zegna, natch -- into his navy blue Yankees undershirt and pinstriped uniform
trousers. A reporter fortunate enough to witness the sartorial transformation
posts the following impression on his blog: "Unlike the rest of us, Joba does
not put on his pants one leg at a time. In fact, he puts them on two legs at
a time, while text-messaging with his left hand and shaving with his right."

5:06 p.m.: Joba meets with the street gang of Yankee beat reporters. Summary
of the no-holds-barred session: No, he isn't nervous. Yes, he hopes to go at
least five full innings. No, you can't have a sip of that. Yes, he will still
be your friend. The klatch concludes with an ever-respectful "thanks a lot,
guys."

5:11 p.m.: Joba takes a nap. He dreams of turtles.

5:52 p.m.: For his pregame snack, the once-tubby Joba consumes the crispest
of legumes and the juiciest of Jujubes. He daintily wipes the corners of his
mouth with a linen napkin, which is immediately encased in Lucite and put up
for charity auction on eBay.

5:57 p.m.: Amid frenzied bidding, the soiled Joba rag sells for $28,200.

6:12 p.m.: Joba heads out to the bullpen, where he goes over the game plan
with Jose Molina. Knowing that Joba needs no further guidance or support,
Molina instead recommends a mix of pop-culture touchstones (EW.com, Project
Runway) and home remedies (saltwater gargle for sore throats).

6:45 p.m.: To the roar of a frenzied crowd, Joba strides lazily from the
bullpen to the dugout. Rather than his usual entrance blast of Mötley Crü
e's Shout at the Devil, the Yankees opt for a full fireworks display and an
11-minute version of Simply the Best performed by opera dude/Yankee Stadium
squatter Ronan Tynan.

7 p.m.: History is made as Joba takes his first victorious steps out of the
Yankee Stadium dugout as a starter. The stadium illuminates with flashbulbs,
despite the early hour and the .085 percent chance that such photos will
register as anything but a blur.

7:01 p.m.: Joba warms up on the mound. From the Yankee radio sanctum,
impartial journalist Suzyn Waldman comments on Joba's "electric" warmup
tosses. She notes his "thick, muscular thighs" and the rotation of his
"surprisingly slender" hips. Broadcast partner John Sterling enthusiastically
agrees, adding "Jumpin' Joltin' Jivin' Juicy Juggernaut Jujitsu Joba" to his
confusing-catchphrase arsenal.

7:03 p.m.: Tynan reappears for a bloated six-minute version of the national
anthem, proving once anew that the Yankees love freedom more than the Red Sox
do. During the song, the so-respectful Joba removes his cap and bows his
head.

7:09 p.m.: Triple Crown contender Big Brown is trotted out onto the field,
literally and figuratively, to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. The
horsie half-hoofs the ball toward the third-base line. The crowd reacts
favorably.

7:11 p.m.: Joba strikes out David Eckstein, Aaron Hill and Alex Rios in a
mere 10 pitches, baffling them with a diving fastball (nasty), a
bowel-vacating change-up (nastier), a howitzer of a curve (nastier still) and
his trademark kamikaze slider (think an underfed Sally Struthers). Only
Eckstein, by virtue of his supreme talent, makes contact with a pitched ball.
The Yankee Stadium crowd rises to its feet as Joba leaves the field,
showering him with jewels and undergarments.

7:20 p.m.: After Jays starter Roy Halladay sets down the Yankees with an
economical eight pitches in the bottom of the first, a Canadian ex-pat fan
practically announces his ignorance by suggesting that Joba ranks as the
second-most-able pitcher currently in the game. The hoser is pulled aside and
beaten savagely by the hairy-knuckle contingent in Section 39.

7:26 p.m.: Rod Barajas' ground ball somehow penetrates the impervious Yankee
infield defense. He becomes the answer to the future trivia question, "Which
ridiculously lucky jerkhead player's fluke base hit was the first surrendered
by 400-win Hall of Famer Joba Chamberlain as a starting pitcher?"

7:28 p.m.: A six-pitch walk to Joe Inglett? This cannot be happening. This
cannot be happening. Suzyn Waldman attempts to impale herself on her
scorecard pencil.

7:29 p.m.: Whew -- a double play. CNN cancels plans to break into its regular
programming.

7:29 p.m.: Joba pumps his fist enthusiastically, prompting
school-before-the-old-school Jays skipper John Gibbons to lose his crap. From
the dugout, he chirps at Joba about "knowing your place" and "acting like
you've been there before." He is immediately placed in protective custody.

7:38 p.m.: Lookie that -- the Yankees score a run off Halladay. That's
something you don't see every night. Joba is credited with the RBI, despite
having spent the half-inning in the clubhouse fielding congratulatory calls
from world leaders and captains of industry.

7:57 p.m.: Joba throws three heaters past an overmatched designated hitter
who does not resemble the recently released Frank Thomas. Somewhere north of
the border, J.P. Ricciardi idly scratches his ass.

8:11 p.m.: Jason Giambi, slump-busting mustache and thong in tow, yanks a
Halladay changeup into the shallow right-field stands to give the Yankees a
2-0 lead. Upon emerging from the dugout for his mandatory
Yankee-does-something-half-OK curtain call, Giambi hears only murmurs. After
a few concerned strokes of his 'stache, he retreats into the dugout and sends
out Joba. The crowd goes bonkers.

8:28 p.m.: Joba throws his 71st and final pitch of the evening. It is a
wonderful pitch, an otherworldly pitch, a cruel pitch, a slider. This slider
is to all sliders that preceded it what Alec Baldwin is to Java Man, what
brie is to Kraft American singles. It goes for a called third strike and Lyle
Overbay retreats dugout-ward, demoralized. On his way off the field, Joba
tips his cap ever-respectfully to the fans, who respond by lapsing into
euphoria-induced seizures.

8:29 p.m.: The verdict? Joba Rules.

Postscript
8:38 p.m.: After the Yankees take 12 more overcaffeinated whacks at
Halladay's elusive offerings, Ross Ohlendorf heads in from the bullpen to the
strains of Elvis Costello's God Give Me Strength. His sink-free sinker fails
to sink. The Yankees promptly surrender the two-run lead.

8:39 p.m.: Sports radio WFAN registers its first "we need Joba in the
bullpen!" call. And so it goes.

--
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◆ From: 220.132.198.21
推 siliver:靠杯 XD
推 e368868:Joba Rules!!
推 poqwer:看嘸 XD ，求翻譯囉~
推 gdgy:剛站上投手丘 主審就宣布 call game (誤)
→ derekhsu:這是怎樣？XD
推 derekhsu:400win
推 ROCAF:還有NYPD幫他開路跟SWAT小隊護送
推 eric2003002:哈哈 call game!!!
推 akainorei:挖哩咧 XDDDDDDDDD
推 Kinra:其實還蠻有可能真得這樣的(汗)
推 MasamuneDate:張伯倫正在賽前禱告 主審就宣布Perfect Game
推 penny50514:XDDDD 好諷刺的文章
推 abidog:XDDDDDDDDDDD  雖然知道最近有點太HIGH  但HIGH的很爽阿
推 leo22171:偷推喬巴  0.0+
→ finalvote:真期待今天他先發
推 jimreke:偷偷問一下幾點啊!?
推 vodkaitis:請詳閱置底第一篇
推 millertw:哈哈哈 超好笑啦                          (看不懂硬推)
推 aresa:超自嗨的
推 ponzpons:阿～不會吧～這麼瞧不起黑輪豆腐XD
推 norway415:一小時多的比賽...
推 Aragami:Michael Jordan's re-un-retirements  XDDD
推 miyatan:這篇好像差不多實現了 = = 後援上場後洋基就提出投降 XD
推 tsming:投降輸一半，還可以不用燒已經很爛的牛棚XD