[告白] You'll never know

[AbsentSoul (Egalitarian-liberalism)]

You'll never know...

or I suppose, even if you know, you probably wouldn't care too much.

How I crave to hear your voice, yet everytime I heard them I have to

battle my own desire, my own hatred, and the resulting sadness.

How I am able to utter something completely calm, rational, even appear so

passive in our exchange, while I constantly struggle with all these turmoils

inside me...is a mystery I probably won't be able to answer no matter how

hard I tried.

You'll never know...

How I have to force myself to listen to what you're saying instead of just

your voice, that soft, sweet, innocent voice that draws me like a moth to a

flame. How I even encouraged you to talk about your ever-changing boyfriends

and your future plans just so I could hear your voices longer. But ah, jealou-

sy and anger and hatred will eventually take its toll...So I have to end our

conversation before it does.

It's a lose-lose situation. Either way, I will feel the pain.

You'll never know...

How I seem unable to find a topic that I could devote any passion to it...




Because it's so hard to think about anything else besides how I felt about

you, how I still feel about you.

"Let's just say...major, it's futher incentive for me to regain my power"

One of the villians of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Dukat, uttered those

words to another charactor, Kira Nerys, with whom he has an eternal infatua-

tion. It's ironic how I could find more and more understanding within myself

with all these typical stereotype villians of hollywood drama....because they

are usually not an inherently evil person, just a combination of unfortunate

situations and the fallibility of human nature which, unless personally exp-

erienced...would not be able to understand.

How I wish things are as simple as that, but I know, even if that's true. I

wouldn't want to do that.

But I just don't know how...how...




Today I listend to Stratovarius' Destiny over and over again....and felt the

urge to sing with the lyrics...because I don't know how to explain all of

these anymore, and frankly I no longer cared that much...


I was going to ask you out and ...perhaps just chat a bit.

But what would be the point?

Yes it'll be quite agreeable to see you in person, but as always, the thought

of never be able to hold you in my arms would probably be too overwhelming,

and I'll just spent the entire time staring at you and just...stay passive.

instead of having a good time, I'll probably go home with more intense and

conflicted emotions....


And I haven't realized until now, that's probably why I haven't call you in

so long.......


Love is such a strong and vague word to use, that I found myself rarely

describe my own emotions in this word, rather , I would say that my feelings

toward you are at the same time affectionate, angered, infatuated, saddened,

overjoyed, infuriated, and so much more.


Everybody fancy themselves as the hero of their own lifes, even tragic ones.

But the real tragedy of my life is that I'm constantly playing the villian.

And so I understand, how defeat could teach a man more than victory.

How things are often more ambigous than we're led to believe.


Still, I envied your innocence.


I've been listening to your plans for the future ever since we met, and their

change  with each boyfriend and successive years, they're naive te' usually

at the same time angered and astonished me, yet there's always the trace of

envy that never goes away.


It's ironic how we could never bring ourselves to express our true feelings

and intentions with those we wanted to do it the most.



You joked about you being the protagonist of my nightmares as a vampire or

some flesh-devourng creatures when I told you that I had a nightmare last

night



I only wish you know how true that was.


Because its eating me away, sucking me dry bit by bit.

in my dreams I'm fighting for something, can't rememeber the exact details.

but I remeber the distinct feeling of craving for you and at same time trying

to protect you from something.


And I woke up feeling my muscles sour as if it was from intense excertion,

my body was covered in sweat, my face filled with tears.


And so I wondered, what went wrong?

After all I was so successful in controlling my reactions to the thought

of never be able to get the response from you that I always craved from you

ever since that fateful day so many years ago.


Perhaps the most dangerous emotions are unrequited ones......

and they'll return to haunt us when we least expect them.

And so,

I curse you, for the pain you brought.

Yet I dread at the prospect of any harm comes to you.

Still....


--
Forplayer:  Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets

            his hour upon the stage, and then is hear no more; it is a tale

            told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.


--
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◆ From: 61.216.0.95
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※ 編輯: AbsentSoul      來自: 61.216.0.95          (04/29 18:45)
推 AbsentSoul:謝謝版主..
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推 etrana:T^T 我是真的不懂 淚奔
→ etrana:唉唷 基本的懂啦 voice  沒有很多單字啊