yeah, i think it's much more safer than there.
don't want my deep inside exposed to them,
even i love them. (see, i can neither let them know this )
no need to worry about being peeped ...
no need to worry about if they know 'sth' ...even though i do love them...

last night, i was almost wakeful
due to my bad behavior, i really feel shamed of myself..like an ugly duckling..
what really counts is..i might lose a good friend ON the net
face-to-face after all doesn't seem a good idea.. ai...forget it... that's one.

another was the one i've been thinking of for these nights.
i was wondering if i edit some words on my query,
is it too audacious?
i mean, if it is so open, and i still behave so,
will they treat me all the usual?
so i'm tremulous. Friendship is the best thing i got at the moment
no, it can't be said so. should say.. i'm controlled by it.
my emotions, my feelings, my up and down all day long are bound to them
for example, yesterday i was kinda down just bc we didn't have lunch together
which i thought we could have made it, following with the tough IC course in
the afternoon; however, all the blue devils in my mind were evicted by andylin
n rabbing's appearance. we just talking n talking n laughing.... just like they
also needed me too.. (yes. i do believe. )
really, i don't know how hopeless i am now, like a far gone n incurable
patient needs his own catholicon, like a fucking dope addicted to his stupid
drugs ...shit, how can i be so dependent.....
i know that was purely a black hole.
i know that.
so
now i'm gonna reveal sth i've been beclouded by myself for a long time...
maybe. i said maybe.
i
luv
him
i mean maybe
just maybe
cuz i don't know myself
whenever i wake up, i thought i love the one on my dream stage, in the flash
but it ends until my toes reach to the floor, back to reality
then i won't think of it every whole day , even if we're so near, talking n
laughing n joking, even if he wears so stylish n is so cool,
i won't feel any palmic.
i got no lust to him. not a bit. but i'm not 100% if i do so in my dream.
that's my ambiguous contradiction.
maybe i've been wrong. dream is just dream, unadulteratedly (then i'll be glad)
after all, it is SAD .
i can't feel more sorry to myself had i loved him.
i don't want this death, and that's why  i'm talking so much,  now..

Char

99.10.10 am 2:12