For you
Not the stars your eyes are like,
I wonder why
They always remind,
Each time I look up into the sky.
I smile when you feel happy;
I weep when you feel sorry;
Satisfied when I am in your company;
Despair when you are not around me.
I know I am not lovely,
Far from beauty.
While you are petty,
More pettier than you should be.
How can I tell you the truth
That I desire none but you;
How can I tell you the truth
When I was meant to have the same gender as you.
--
所謂世界的歷史,
祇不過是偉人的傳記而已。
－Thomas Carlyle
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.twbbs.org)
◆ From: 140.122.83.50
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- <
作者: skyhawk (要認真過才能隨緣) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: 自己寫的爛詩...:P
時間: Wed Jan 16 17:15:01 2002
※ 引述《chansaowan (T/P/B?)》之銘言：
: For you
: Not the stars your eyes are like,
: I wonder why
: They always remind,
: Each time I look up into the sky.
: I smile when you feel happy;
: I weep when you feel sorry;
: Satisfied when I am in your company;
: Despair when you are not around me.
: I know I am not lovely,
: Far from beauty.
: While you are petty,
: More pettier than you should be.
: How can I tell you the truth
: That I desire none but you;
: How can I tell you the truth
: When I was meant to have the same gender as you.
一點都不爛啊 ^^;
第一句的地方, 可以考慮再修一下
(就是從 "Not the stars ... 到 into the sky.")
就會很好了喔
還有, 可以試試一起考慮音節
(我覺得你這首詩應該有在考慮押韻吧 ^^)
音節可以控制節奏
這樣你寫詩的時候又多一個可以玩的東西了 ^^
一起繼續加油吧! ^^
p.s. 唉 .. muse 已經一個月不肯見我了
p.p.s. 已經收到你的個人區了
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- <
作者: chansaowan (決算亂乾坤) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: 自己寫的爛詩...:P
時間: Thu Jan 17 12:42:41 2002
※ 引述《skyhawk (要認真過才能隨緣)》之銘言：
: ※ 引述《chansaowan (T/P/B?)》之銘言：
: : For you
: : Not the stars your eyes are like,
: : I wonder why
: : They always remind,
: : Each time I look up into the sky.
: : I smile when you feel happy;
: : I weep when you feel sorry;
: : Satisfied when I am in your company;
: : Despair when you are not around me.
: : I know I am not lovely,
: : Far from beauty.
: : While you are petty,
: : More pettier than you should be.
: : How can I tell you the truth
: : That I desire none but you;
: : How can I tell you the truth
: : When I was meant to have the same gender as you.
: 一點都不爛啊 ^^;
: 第一句的地方, 可以考慮再修一下
: (就是從 "Not the stars ... 到 into the sky.")
: 就會很好了喔
: 還有, 可以試試一起考慮音節
: (我覺得你這首詩應該有在考慮押韻吧 ^^)
: 音節可以控制節奏
: 這樣你寫詩的時候又多一個可以玩的東西了 ^^
: 一起繼續加油吧! ^^
: p.s. 唉 .. muse 已經一個月不肯見我了
: p.p.s. 已經收到你的個人區了
===============
謝謝妳的建議`~^^~