[創作] Your eye

[imlazy (dear fear)]

Depression makes you cry
All the sadness full of your eye
Under your eyeball is my arduous try
Your tears dry
As the parachute fly
Solitude your thought maybe quiet
Let your stubborn shackle alright
And I will be the light
Illuminate your eye for a while.


我第一次寫
請大家多多指教

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推 dale:│依《本板規章與注意事項》之第二項││
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推 ianjelly:You may like to check the grammar use in the
→ ianjelly:second and the last line. To be honest, it's
→ ianjelly:a good try.^^
→ ianjelly:I think of the time I cried,and when my
→ ianjelly:friend cried.
→ ianjelly:I am touched by the phrase "for a while."
→ ianjelly:想到以前看劇時一句台詞:人總要走上孤獨之路
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- <

作者: PowLluimniz (波西米亞) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: [創作] Your eye
時間: Wed Apr 20 00:46:29 2005



 I think I will start from the theme, which is, it seems,
 a touching monologue for a close friend or relative of the
 narrator telling the person who is addressed that s/he has done
 quite an effort in helping him/her out. Yet the monologue turns
 out to be pretty forceful, although it is definitely emotional,
 since the narrator would be the light for the one who's addressed
 "for a while" (9) even if s/he tries softening his/her stubbornness.

 Grammatically, it is a little peculiar in using present
 tense if the narrator does not mean to express any special
 idea; and more peculiar in arranging the sentences in this
 manner, which is on the edge of grammatically unacceptable.
 The sentence structure also blocks the reader from interpreting
 the poem, as s/he may stop to ponder, "What's quiet? Solitude?
 Or the thought? Is it alright? Or aright?" The adjectives kind
 of lose their focus and become less illuminating or indicative.

 The attempt of rhyming is obvious, and not unsuccessful; but
 would probably improve if it can work with the theme by making
 the rhythms coarse sometimes. As for the "parachute" (5), I
 have not deciphered its connection with the slot it fills.

 Finally, I am not sure if the forceful style is what you want.
 But if it does, maybe you can subsitute one or two rough words
 to reinforce the feeling. If not, maybe you will want to consider
 to replace the word "eyeball" (3), which carries little romantic
 sense traditionally.



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For those who are interested in English poetry:
英詩板精華區 --> 雅典娜的神殿 --> 英詩入門 --> 波魯米尼玆幽冥旅
Maybe you will find something interesting.
Welcome any discussion on writing.

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