[創作] Your eye

[imlazy (dear fear)]

Depression makes you cry
All the sadness full of your eye
Under your eyeball is my arduous try
Your tears dry
As the parachute fly
Solitude your thought maybe quiet
Let your stubborn shackle alright
And I will be the light
Illuminate your eye for a while.


我第一次寫
請大家多多指教

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推 ianjelly:You may like to check the grammar use in the
→ ianjelly:second and the last line. To be honest, it's
→ ianjelly:a good try.^^
→ ianjelly:I think of the time I cried,and when my
→ ianjelly:friend cried.
→ ianjelly:I am touched by the phrase "for a while."
→ ianjelly:想到以前看劇時一句台詞:人總要走上孤獨之路
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- <

作者: PowLluimniz (波西米亞) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: [創作] Your eye
時間: Wed Apr 20 00:46:29 2005



 I think I will start from the theme, which is, it seems,
 a touching monologue for a close friend or relative of the
 narrator telling the person who is addressed that s/he has done
 quite an effort in helping him/her out. Yet the monologue turns
 out to be pretty forceful, although it is definitely emotional,
 since the narrator would be the light for the one who's addressed
 "for a while" (9) even if s/he tries softening his/her stubbornness.

 Grammatically, it is a little peculiar in using present
 tense if the narrator does not mean to express any special
 idea; and more peculiar in arranging the sentences in this
 manner, which is on the edge of grammatically unacceptable.
 The sentence structure also blocks the reader from interpreting
 the poem, as s/he may stop to ponder, "What's quiet? Solitude?
 Or the thought? Is it alright? Or aright?" The adjectives kind
 of lose their focus and become less illuminating or indicative.

 The attempt of rhyming is obvious, and not unsuccessful; but
 would probably improve if it can work with the theme by making
 the rhythms coarse sometimes. As for the "parachute" (5), I
 have not deciphered its connection with the slot it fills.

 Finally, I am not sure if the forceful style is what you want.
 But if it does, maybe you can subsitute one or two rough words
 to reinforce the feeling. If not, maybe you will want to consider
 to replace the word "eyeball" (3), which carries little romantic
 sense traditionally.



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For those who are interested in English poetry:
英詩板精華區 --> 雅典娜的神殿 --> 英詩入門 --> 波魯米尼玆幽冥旅
Maybe you will find something interesting.
Welcome any discussion on writing.

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> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- <

作者: dale (冰城城主) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: [創作] Your eye
時間: Sat Apr 23 22:55:36 2005

我試著把一些機制挑出來，你自己再斟酌一下。^^

一、前五行內你所有的韻（姑且不論 full rhyme 或 half rhyme）都一樣，
    後面幾行也因為 assonance 的作用帶給讀者一種「刻意壓韻」的感覺。
    你應該考慮，這種作用是不是你要的。

二、除了韻之外，讀者對音節數也有期待感。例如第三行有十個音節，第四行突然只剩
    三個……如果我說錯了，請指正──但你似乎沒考慮到音節的問題？行與行之間
    若音節差距太大，讀者是會覺得突兀的。還是老話一句：請考慮這是不是你要的。

三、第三行的 "arduous try" 或第五行的 "parachute"，似乎是為了壓韻而壓韻？
    當然不是說不可以，但你要思考一下意義何在？涵意與格式間執輕執重？
    如何取捨、拿捏？

四、最後一句的 "for a while" 極好，比起不切實際的「永遠」好太多了，
    鼓勵一下。:)

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