[創作] no order

[imlazy (dear fear)]

so freak she was in that sequence
Cindy had her hair cut of m's order
for somebody told grief since birth
this new order opposed these fake suggestions
like skyline toward unknown reality


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作者: PowLluimniz (波西米亞) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: [創作] no order
時間: Mon May  2 23:22:36 2005

※ 引述《imlazy (dear fear)》之銘言：
: so freak she was in that sequence
: Cindy had her hair cut of m's order
: for somebody told grief since birth
: this new order opposed these fake suggestions
: like skyline toward unknown reality

  This is a potential good poem, provided that it be
  carefully revised.

  Confined by my limited knowledge, I cannot interpret
  how the hair in m's order look like, and how it relates
  with the grief told by somebody since Cindy's birth.
  Roughly I regard the poem's intention as a passive
  action using for defying the social codes, individuality
  versus conformity. The protest lies in Cindy's hair,
  quiet like the skyline hanging in a distance. This silent
  protest becomes especially effective when being put
  together with a neutral background.

  Yet the poem kind of loses its power as the last two
  lines' syllables outnumber the others', softening a
  possible strong sum-up. Moreover, the use of "unknown
  reality" (5) is hardly clever because it does not
  really parallel with the skyline. And it is itself
  too vague and pointless. (I even suspect if it is "truth"
  rather than "reality" that the author intended to mean)

  My suggestion would be changing the narrating of a fact
  to depicting a quiet scene, in which Cindy standing with
  her freaky hair style before tranquil background, a clear
  sky embracing a city of austere buildings and the skyline
  dwindling at the far end.



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For those who are interested in English poetry:
英詩板精華區 --> 雅典娜的神殿 --> 英詩入門 --> 波魯米尼玆幽冥旅
Maybe you will find something interesting.
Welcome any discussion on writing.

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