[創作] Practice S

[catcatcatcat (貓貓貓貓￾ ￾ ￾ ￾  )]

< Practice S >

She sits

slowly

and silently


(Seeing sun sinks

into the Sea)


as catS.


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第一次寫,害羞的po上來是希望大家可以給個指教
批評或糾正都好^^感謝~~

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推 dale:╭────────────────╮
推 dale:│感謝您於本板發表作品！　　　　　├╮
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推 dale:│依《本板規章與注意事項》之第二項││
推 dale:│「賞善」篇，凡於本板發表個人創作││
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推 dale:別害羞呀，歡迎。^^
推 littlebinroy:讀了幾次，覺得有haiku的味道。^^
推 ianjelly:只是單純覺得cats很可愛 好像太陽跟東西都變喵
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作者: PowLluimniz (波西米亞) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: [創作] Practice S
時間: Mon Apr 25 16:00:32 2005



  A very cute poem. A very interesting practice.
  Aptly named, aptly maneuvered, good preparation.

  The rhythms and the sounds well performed for
  the practice of "S," and the action blended
  neatly with the scenery. The use of stoppings
  was impressive. No major flaws, but that's all.

  The only question I have is that if you need
  to capitalize the final "s" as in cat"S" (6).

  Though radically different, some short poems
  by e. e. cummings and Williams Carlos Williams
  may interest you.


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For those who are interested in English poetry:
英詩板精華區 --> 雅典娜的神殿 --> 英詩入門 --> 波魯米尼玆幽冥旅
Maybe you will find something interesting.
Welcome any discussion on writing.

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推 catcatcatcat:I just want to emphasize the S, so I
→ catcatcatcat:capitalize the final "s". But I am not
→ catcatcatcat:sure whether it makes the poem better or
→ catcatcatcat:not:P  Just for fun!
推 dale:For an experienced reader, the final "S" would
推 dale:be noticed -- capitalised or not.  :)
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作者: antidiciplin (批兔Sovereign版) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: [創作] Practice S
時間: Sun May  8 00:04:10 2005

※ 引述《PowLluimniz (波西米亞)》之銘言：
:   The only question I have is that if you need
:   to capitalize the final "s" as in cat"S" (6).

I think the capitalized s makes a vivid symbol
of a lying cat's sweet tail^^
Like it so much for it gives an impressive image~
If it can be enlengthed with more details of the girl, the sky,
the cat, or whatever, then this poem would be
better than a merely practice, right?

"Sent me silver sandal, sing me no more sadcore,
simple love saves you single sinner in this sinking world"
If it's like that, then we know that the girl may have got a lover.

"Slashed slaves, and all that slaughters under the sky,
a sea of skeletones brave to smile"
If it's like this, then she might be wondering about some miserables.

"Sixteenth sleepless night, slipping slightly to your left side,
sluggish and small, feeling like a smashed slope"
If it's like that, then she might need a talk?

Don't know if I express myself well, sorry~
I just think that your creative poem could be greater if it describes
some thoughts more clearly.


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推 dale:I did not think of it that way: good one.  :)