On somehow self-awareness,
you torture my love, with proud.
By the nature of your ruthlessness,
I'm doomed to trace your dangling whereabouts.
For your crimson joy,
you does my life completely destroy.
Under the disguise of enternity,
you mask your fatal boundary--
alluring me into your consciousness
with a deep, deep, deep--
etherized sleep.
23/03/2002
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My second try for poetry:)
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◆ From: 140.122.194.235
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作者: MornLight (國境之南太陽之西) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: Crimson Joy
時間: Sat Mar 23 15:10:25 2002
※ 引述《MornLight (國境之南太陽之西)》之銘言：
: On somehow self-awareness,
: you torture my love, with proud.
^^^^^
it should be "pride"
: By the nature of your ruthlessness,
: I'm doomed to trace your dangling whereabouts.
: For your crimson joy,
: you does my life completely destroy.
^^^^ it should be "do"
: Under the disguise of enternity,
: you mask your fatal boundary--
: alluring me into your consciousness
: with a deep, deep, deep--
: etherized sleep.
: 23/03/2002
: --
: My second try for poetry:)
--
呵呵...凌晨寫詩...意識不清了...^^""
謝謝版主skyhawk的善意提醒...:)
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- <
作者: MornLight (國境之南太陽之西) 看板: poetry
標題: Re: Crimson Joy
時間: Sat Mar 23 18:08:20 2002
On somehow self-awareness,
: you torture my love, with the proud.
: By the nature of your ruthlessness,
: I'm doomed to trace your dangling whereabouts.
: For your crimson joy
: does my life completely destroy.
: Under the disguise of enternity,
: you mask your fatal boundary--
: alluring me into your consciousness
: with a deep, deep, deep--
: etherized sleep.
: 23/03/2002
恩...這是另一種改法...
如果顧慮到proud跟whereabouts的母音諧和性
還有就是...把"'you' does my life completely destroy"
中的"you"去掉
這樣一來應該合乎文法...
希望各位高手不吝指教^^"
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剛剛洗衣服時窮極無聊想出來的 :)
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