transsexual LESBIAN ? is this possible ?


http://etransgender.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=1912





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I am a transexual woman [ MTF ] in transition and I've been on HRT for about a year and a half now , well starting in june of 2006{ may 28} . all of my life , I have been sexually attracted to women ; and yes, thought I was " straight " or heterosexual . but the thing was that even though I found women to be attractive , I never was good at dating , would always either be way to shy to play the " man role" or so outspoken as in saying things to girls like " what the hell you all dressed up for ? " [ when
this girl told me " I like to dress and look nice for school, that's why!" ; back in high school ] my reply was " well I would never get dressed up for anything but a job interview!" I never had a clue as to what it took to get a girl , and in fact - they all hated me and saw me as queer , a loser, pothead , and scumbag . the guys thought I was a (expletive) , the girls? a disrespectful scumbag and in fact one time among many when the guys teased , the joke was " what girl in her right mind would go
with you to the prom ? " my answer was " well who would want to blow their cash on any of this town's stuck the **** up girls " yeah , as the supposed " boy " I was supposed to be , I totally lacked confidence and saw myself as " waiting for my PRINCESS, CINDERELLA, TO COME AND RESCUE ME"

and so, this was to continue for the rest of my life as the " M thing " I had absolutely no self esteem and in fact I hated women whom were what most guys considered to be " pretty " seeing them all as stuck up princesses expecting to be both asked, and paid for, on a date ! as the " boy" and later on, the " man " thing , I hate all the " male to female rules of dating, and yes mixed company too. everything from having to watch what you say and not swear/cuss around women, to acting like you really
appreciated how nice women would dress in order to impress others and thus, expect to be complimented. wearing a suit, or even a "sport" coat ; completely disgusted me and I could never understand why guys would talk one way around themselves, swear , etc, YET when around the opposite sex , act like the perfect gentleman in order to make women "feel comfortable" honestly , I saw this as being " stupid and meaningless" and would constantly cry out " what ever happened to feminism and equal rights??? " I
was often called " (expletive), FAIRY , GIRLY-BOY" and all the rest , and I do actually remember the guys ganging up on me and saying " MAYBE YOU OUGHTTA GET YOUR SEX CHANGE OPERATION LIKE CHRISTINE JORGENSEN DID! YOU ACT MORE LIKE A P**SY" THAN A BOY! "

I had sex as the " M thing " with a woman only one time , this back in sept. of 1984 , four times in one week and then; like always , it was over! in fact every attempt at even having a " male" to female relationship always ended on a sour note; I saw straight women as stuck up bitches and the men; as princes in shining armor whom were " wolves about to swoop on in for the kill" ; sort of like in that song by meatloaf " the wolf with the red roses" whom acted totally nice around the women just to get
them [ only later to become another jerk when she got to know him for 6 months! ] perhaps the thing I remembered best was when that girl whom I lost my virginity with had , well " went to the bathroom" [ peed] out in the woods in front of me. seeing that and how she did this, I admired it, and now to think back - this was what started my supposed "fetish" for how women peed. I wanted what she had to do so with, and I knew it.

I had tried to see if maybe I was gay , this at age 19-22, and again , when this gay guy picked me up at like age 25-26 and wanted to see if he could "bring me out" it never happened, as here I felt that I " hated women because they all were bitches" ; YET, was so intensely attracted to them . YET I FOUND " BUTCH WOMEN" AND " TOMBOYS" AND YES, LESBIANS TO BE ATTRACTIVE ; ALL BECAUSE THEY " ACTED MORE LIKE THE BOYS" AND NOT THE SUPER FEMME PRINCESSES! one time at like age 20 , I was talking to some girl
whom was a butch lesbian, wearing guy jeans , no makeup and not at all looking traditionally " feminine" . suddenly, for somebody whom said " he" ' hated women' and all , I felt completely at ease talking to her! she then told me she was a lesbian and I had said something like " thanks , because , this is weird, but for some reason if I did not know , I'd swear I was getting a crush on you. I liked the way she could talk openly about sex. well her reply was this. " that's so funny , cause why would any
guy find me attractive ? I'm a dyke ! most guys seem to lust after my girlfriend whom dresses very feminine in her six inch stilletto heels and lace dresses to board the train for work in manhattan . but what do you see in me ??? this was at a westport CT AA meeting when she and I were hanging out and talking about sex, and all else , without reserve!

here I had no clues as to if I was transgender back then , well except for this intense " fetish" with women peeing when I'd sit home and fantasize about what it'd be like to be a girl ; then go into my home bathroom and sit down to pee like one. my answer to her was this . " BECAUSE I CAN TALK TO YOU LIKE YOU WERE JUST ONE OF THE GUYS AND NOT HAVE TO STOP SWEARING AND ACT LIKE THE PERFECT PRINCE, OR GENTLEMAN DOES TO THE PRINCESS! IT FEELS LIKE IT IS JUST EQUAL ."

little did I see this , but all my life till I transitioned , I basically saw the high femme woman as " unavailable bitches " and " living, breathing, playboy centerfolds which I could never get! " for years , thinking I was an alcoholic[ pothead, yes ] I would go to all the AA and NA[ EA, CODA , all that] meetings ; just to dump all my emotional (expletive) and yes, stare at all the pretty yuppie women I could never get . and yes, funny that I would prefer those meetings in places which had UNISEX
RESTROOMS . while waiting in line to use the restrooms and a woman was in ahead of me , I would secretly " listen"; something that I had been doing since age 13. on the other hand, at home I was " afraid of being heard by women " standing up like I was taught as a " boy" ; as a matter of fact , it embarrassed me . this all changed when I began to sit and go like a woman! [ yes, this was what led to my eventual transition! one of the gay guys I had been dating around the age of 30 , [ to figure out what
was " wrong with me and why though I found women to be sexually attractive yet was unable to connect with them emotionally ] when I said " I feel so weird asking this and sitting " , he told me " it's not abnormal and you are probably just another closet case transsexual whom hasn't yet come out! most are! they all go to our gay teacher things and get dressed up, then return to being men on monday or when they go back to their wives."

anyway, so now that I have come out from that long, closet , or as I like to say , " from behind the unisex ladies room door" , and went on hormones/androgen blockers ; I have been trying to figure out who I am and whom I am sexually attracted to more. women? or men" on the advice of some of the other TS - I tried it with a few men ; and while it felt good in the beginning - I STILL CRAVED WOMEN MORE! I had read in mildred L brown's book TRUE SELVES UNDERSTANDING TRANSSEXUALITY............ THAT "MANY
MTF TRANSSEXUALS LONG BEFORE COMING OUT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL , THOUGHT THEY WERE " STRAIGHT MALES" , BUT COULD NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE THE " MALE SUITOR" THAT HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN WANTED THEM TO BE." she went on saying " WHAT THEY REALLY HAD WITH WOMEN WAS WHAT I CALL ' LESBIANIC RELATIONSHIPS'

I knew that this was ME , being that as soon as I began wearing the dress , I was much better able to relate to women EMOTIONALLY - SOMETHING THAT I COULD NEVER DO ; NOR WANTED TO EVEN LEARN HOW TO DO. before, I could not figure it out , now it is like all those straight, high femme women I said that I "hated " ; while not being perfect about liking them - I NO LONGER SEE THEM AS THE ENEMY ! I was always sexually attracted to women! NOW , the difference is that I am EMOTIONALLY attracted to women as
well . I still am rebellious from the female standpoint as to how to act " like a lady " , examples being how my sister tells me all the time " women don't swear all the time and use the F word " ; or how I still see all that high femme, cocktail party fashion as being basically stupid ; as well as the more modest , yet still high femme , " coldwater creek and ann taylor loft styles " .
some things have not changed , but I think I finally figured out where I stand as far as being attracted to women, or to men; is concerned . I met this nice guy whom likes transsexual women, even though I am not that passable- he likes me. yet even though I was , about two months ago , slightly attracted to him , I KNEW I LIKED WOMEN BETTER . last time I saw him down in new york city , we both went to my favorite little gay bar, which , by the way , is like 90% lesbian ! [ ruby fruit on hudson st at
charles] after leaving, when we both went to get our trains [ he to stamford CT and me to golden's bridge NY ] I walked with him to his train . right them, he wanted to kiss me, BUT all I did was give him a big hug ; feeling like even though he is a great guy and likes me; I AM ATTRACTED TO WOMEN AND HAVE BEEN ALL MY LIFE!

but how realistic is it to even think that I am going to be able to , like , be with a woman as a woman being that I am still " pre-op" SRS ????? probably none from what I've heard , though I have met a few for whom this has happened .

all I know is that I like women better now than I did having to be that " man thing" . the , traditionally pretty, heterosexual ones , while not being 100% out of my " bitch name calling " [ mostly due to the way they stare down at me in public- though NOT ALL DO THIS ! about half actually give me that smile of " welcome to girlhood" after seeing my breasts! ] ; I now see as just women! and in the world of women and who I am going to be? well I have become comfortable with saying that I am , what I
heard and read in this other book , " gender blending" by richard elkins, PhD , a TRANSSEXUAL LESBIAN-FEMINIST! years ago , back when I used to say that I " hated women" , I loved the true feminists ; and in fact , I was the one whom would march in protest outside those women's clinics with all the feminist women ; protesting against the so called " christians" while defending a woman's right to have a safe and legal abortion! when men would ask me why this should concern me" you're a man" , my answer"
well if I was a woman , I would not want any one to tell me what to do with my body!"

now I am an avid reader of MS MAGAZINE , a magazine many of the more traditional " feminist" women see as way too extreme when it comes to women's rights in america ; mostly because they, like N.O.W. , take on both the fashion and the diet industry; saying that both are degrading to a woman's sense of self esteem. [ I agree so far , being a happy size 20W . but I do like my lipstick, mascara, eye liner, and eye shadow! I'm a " femme-dyke" I believe, or just " femme" but NOT " high femme" ]

I go into this lesbian's blog online , "MY SO CALLED LESBIAN LIFE", and I feel as if I am one of them as far as commenting on all those attractive pictures she uploads for us girls to comment on! and I have even went as far as checking out the " woman seeking woman " personals in match.com , and for so long when asked[ even long before transition] who my favorite celebrity woman was, I had to say " ELLEN ! SHE'S CUTE! " [ christina aguliera never turned me on , even before transition! but ellen de
generes is like " wow" with her " tom boy" or is that " TOM-BOI" ways! ]

in fact I have been writing this novel about three girls , two of whom are close friends, but now, toward the end- have become lovers. it's called "other side of gainesville" and is perhaps one of the two main influences [ stephanie erin thomas online diary in the old TG forum the other] , that I came out as cheryl ! the two main characters are" leanne rutherford " , a southern born and bred bisexual woman , and "cheryl lynne pietrini" [ that character at first I was playing, but soon came to live in
real life as cheryl lynne oropal :) ] and I plan on ending it with them both getting " married " [ maybe not legally as florida will not allow this yet- only massachusetts and canada! ] while writing this, I often feel as if I am living " cheryl's character " and am with leanne , my fiancee' and wife to be .

BUT IS IT REALISTIC? I mean having the , as I too often say, and deeply feel , " wrong parts for the right job" IS IT POSSIBLE ?

IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE ? TO BE A TRANSSEXUAL LESBIAN ? all I know is when I dream about whom I will wake up with - it's not a guy, but a GIRL . IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE TO BE A TRANSSEXUAL LESBIAN IN REAL LIFE? DOES THIS EVER WORK OUT ?

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