It feels awful when you missed a chance.
But it feels worse when you regret your reaction to it, for weeks.
Even years.
And since this opportunity is so rare, when that happens you feel … let down.
It's like winning the lottery and then finding out that it only pays out five per cent.
That there are millions more you missed out on.
The question is, is that rational or irrational?I've tried to become reasonable.
I've tried to accept the rejections as the price I have to pay for the luck I've had.
I've tried to be cool and objective about them.
I've tried to acknowledge that I don't regret my reactions.
But sometimes I do.
I do sometimes regret not looking for ways to tell her that I loved her, without saying it.
That I would have let her know that I had taken her rejection personally.
I wish I could have told her that it wasn't about her and I didn't even need her to be my wife.
I wish I had said how wonderful she had been in my life.
That I felt her in every ounce of my heart.
I wish I could have told her that she had always been beautiful to me.
And that I loved her.
How do I move on from that regret?Or, as I said, turn it into something useful.
How do you salvage an emotion that you cannot even explain?(I've tried … I think it needs to come from inside me, which is impossible to explain to others.
)I know it's not rational to feel this way.
I know it's not rational to compare her to other women.
I know it's not rational to imagine that she has feelings for someone else.
But I do.
I think a lot.
And it's almost impossible to make sense of my feelings because I never quite get past the thought that something is wrong.
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