推 sonne1419: 好文推! 05/02 01:07
推 ryanchen8: 推實用！ 05/03 17:05
大家好，
我是SK2的Rosa。
今天想和同學聊聊redundancy，意即把兩個或多個意思相近或相同的字放在
一起的「贅詞，冗語」。
同學在寫英文作文時，常常會犯redundancy的問題，導致句子太長，而且句
意不清楚。
因此，接下來請同學改寫以下的句子，試著把句子變成更精簡。
建議你準備一個紙筆，也可以直接把題目印下來做。
注意，改寫句子沒有絕對的標準答案。
你可以思考要如何讓句意更清楚？有沒有不必要或是重複的資訊？怎樣表達
會更簡潔？
1. I took a chance to have a chat with the interns.
2. I have always been a person who likes to procrastinate.
3. It would be a high possibility for me to become rich at the end of
2019.
4. In 2018, I usually wake up at 9:00 AM, and arrived at my office at
10:30 AM, which was quite late.
5. I have to work until 8:00 PM or even much later to get my work
done, which was terribly inefficient.
6. The paper has been done but not published or presented.
7. There are three major goals that I want to achieve.
8. My weight was increased ten kilograms.
9. I want to enhance my academic performance. This is because I want
to apply for an exchange program in the future.
10. The reason is that I care about efficiency, and good time
management allows me to do things efficiently.
11. A vivid example is that my mother had a dinner party with her
co-workers last month.
12. I will get an interest to play basketball every day.
13. I took a part-time job in a company and become its intern.
14. I can save more money that can cover my daily expenses when I
study abroad.
15. I can meet some scholars that have experiences study in the
same subject as me.
16. The majority of people choose world peace as their New Year’s
Resolution.
17. He was a really busy man, and he didn’t have any time to
spend with his family, and it made his family feel like strangers
to him.
18. I am a person who is easily nervous, and listening or learning
music enables me to relieve my pressure and anxiety.
19. I am an English major student.
20. If I wake up at 8:00 AM, I need to go to university in class
immediately.
接著，再看以下的參考擬答。
1. I took a chance to have a chat with the interns.
I chatted with the interns.
雖然在中文裡，我們會說“把握機會聊天”，但是在托福寫作
裡，句子盡量簡單清楚，因此，這題可以不用兩者都說，選一個最重要的說
就可以了。此外，比起名詞，動詞會更具體，可以用動詞就盡量用動詞。
2. I have always been a person who likes to procrastinate.
I always like to procrastinate.
這題，同學很喜歡表達“我是個....的人”，
用中文想很順，但是變成英文就會顯得很冗長。其實，可以直接說你的特性:
“ 你喜歡...”，“你很...”，例如：I am lazy. 會更簡潔。
3. It would be a high possibility for me to become rich at the end of
2019.
I would likely become rich at the end of 2019.
同理，possibility可以用likely表達，請同學優先使用動詞，再來是形容詞或是
副詞，最後才會用到名詞，因為動詞會是最具體、清楚而且簡潔的。
4. In 2018, I usually wake up at 9:00 AM, and arrive at my office at
10:30 AM, which was quite late.
In 2018, I usually wake up at 9, but arrive late for work at 10:30.
建議同學練習用副詞，盡量不要使用SVO,which VO.的句型。因為這樣的修飾語
只能夠修飾前面最靠近的受詞，當你觀念不清楚卻使用此句型時，通常都會用錯。
5. I have to work until 8:00 PM or even much later to get my work
done, which was terribly inefficient.
I need more time to get things done, working inefficiently
until 8:00 PM or later.
副詞盡量接在動詞後面，句意會更清楚。
6. The paper has been done but not published or presented.
I finished the paper but have not yet published it.
盡量少用被動，因為被動不只不清楚還容易過於冗長。這裡改成主動會更清楚。
7. There are three major goals that I want to achieve.
I want to achieve three major goals.
請同學盡量少用There is N.的句型。第一、這個句型裡面強調的只有名詞，
會不夠清楚也不具體。第二、通常喜歡用There is N.的同學會使用太頻繁，
整篇文章中重複出現太多次這個句型，不只不清楚，還顯得你句型沒有變化。
如果可以把句子改成SVO.會更好，因為SVO.的句型裡面有動詞，會更清楚。
8. My weight was increased ten kilograms.
I gained ten kilograms.
一樣，少用被動。
9. I want to enhance my academic performance. This is because I want
to apply for an exchange program in the future.
I want to enhance my academic performance to apply
for an exchange program in the future.
第二句話有目的，因此，可以直接用To V表目的。此外，在托福作
文中，盡量不要使用This is because，因為會太口語化，寧願使用SVO
because SVO. 或是SVO. After all, SVO. 都會更好。
10.The reason is that I care about efficiency, and good time
management allows me to do things efficiently.
After all, I care about efficiency, and good time management allows
me to do things efficiently.
盡量不要使用The reason is that…, a good example is
that…的句型。因為這樣的句型裡面強調的是名詞。當你把所有動作都放在
that子句裡時，會沒那麼清楚。建議可以改成副詞加SVO的句型，例如：
Apparently, SVO. 。
11. A vivid example is that my mother had a dinner party with her co-
workers last month.
For example, my mother had a dinner party with her co-workers
last month.
同上題。
12. I will get an interest to play basketball every day.
I will be interested in playing basketball every day.
動詞優先於形容詞，形容詞優先於名詞。
13. I took a part-time job in a company and become its intern.
I took a part-time job as an intern in Google.
可以直接想一個公司的名字，例如Google, Facebook，如此一來，不只更簡短，
也能夠更具體、 更有說服力。
14. I can save more money that can cover my daily expenses when I
study abroad.
With my savings, I will be able to cover daily expenses
when studying abroad.
這裡用that子句來修飾money句意會怪怪的。可以使用SVO來表達
主要的句意(cover daily expenses），其他比較不重要的句意（save money）
可放在介系詞片語裡面。
15. I can meet some scholars that have experiences study in the same
subject as me.
I can meet scholars in the same field.
同上，可用介系詞片語表達次要的句意(same field)。
16. The majority of people choose world peace as their New Year’s
Resolution.
Most people choose world peace as their New Year’s Resolution.
The majority of 改成Most，會更清楚。
17. He was a really busy man, and he didn’t have any time to
spend with his family, and it made his family feel like strangers
to him.
He was too busy to spend much time with his family,
becoming estranged.
可以用SVO, Ving. 表達因果關係。Ving的句型可以修飾整句話。
18. I am a person who is easily nervous, and listening or learning
music enables me to relieve my pressure and anxiety.
I am easily nervous, and music enables me to relax.
同第二題。
19. I am an English major student.
I major in English.
major當動詞會更清楚。
20. If I wake up at 8:00 AM, I need to go to university in class
immediately.
If I wake up at 8:00 AM, I need to go to class immediately.
go to university 和 go to class意思差不多，兩者都使用，會過於重複，
請選擇一個最重要的句意表達。這裡應該是指去上學、而非唸大學，所以直接
用go to class就可以了。
最後，提醒同學，一剛開始練習作文時很可能無法注意到冗言贅字的問題。
因此，建議同學，寫完作文後，可以過兩天再自己重新讀一遍，思考哪個地
方可以寫得更簡短。此外，也要記得多看別人的作文。當你多思考要怎麼寫
更好，也有更多機會去改寫別人的句子時，就能夠慢慢讓你的作文變得簡單
清楚。
祝同學都能夠從練托福作文中找到寫作的樂趣以及信心！
Warm Regards,
SK2 Rosa ^_______^
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※ 編輯: SKTWORosa (39.8.96.47), 05/01/2019 00:15:09
※ 編輯: SKTWORosa (39.8.96.47), 05/01/2019 00:16:07