[笑話] 英文笑話數則

[LADKuo5566 (郭五六)]

always thirsty

"I had an operation," said a man to his friend,
"and a doctor ldft a sponge in me."

"That's terrible!" said the friend.
"Got any pain?"

"No, but I am always thirsty!"

---

the picture of the cheese

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.
She was very afarid of mouse, so she ran out of the house,
got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap.
The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon
catch the mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked into her
cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to
go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture
of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!
When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a
picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

---

they're busy

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh, is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh, is anybody there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the
firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."

---

appointment of the perfect continuous

A youngster asks a girl who comes to the date: "Is this your date
with the young man for the first time?"

"Too bloody right. Gee, how are you men always asking this question?"

---

How much English can you speak?

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is
for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a
week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks
a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English
can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

---

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it,
but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when
he wanted anything, he either cried of threw a temper tantrum.
Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his
grandmother's loving arms.

When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all tight?" she asked, "Did you get along all right?
Did you cry?"

"Cry?" John asked. "No, I did not, but the teacher did."

---

he's just been to the zoo

When I was waitting in line at he bamk, I noticed a woman holding
a small child at one of the windows. The boy was eating a roll, which
he thrust at the teller. The teller smiled and shook his head.

"No, no, dear," said the boy's mom. and then, turnning to the teller,
"I beg your pardon, young man. Please forgive my son. He's just been
to the zoo."

---

how to be like a gentleman

Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five.
One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play
while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four
their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake
and a knife and said to him, "Now here's the knife, Dick. Cut
this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but
remember to do it like a gentleman."

"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"

"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered
his aunt at once.

"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he
took the cake to his sister and said to her, "cut this cake in half,
Catherine.".

---

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: TH's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window,
and he won.

---

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and irght oranges in the
other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands.

---

Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motor cycles.
The sight of one would always bring forth squeals of delight,
accompanied by excited remarks lof look at that! Look at that!
I am going to have one of those someday, his dad's response
always was not as long as I am alive.

One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle
passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed.
Look at that! Look at that! I am getting one of those as soon as
my dad dies.

---

I have his ear in my pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

---

Returning form a golf outing, my husband was greeted at he door by Sara,
our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or
Uncle Richie?

Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged.
We just play to have fun.

Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?

--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc), 來自: 180.176.65.246
※ 文章網址: https://www.ptt.cc/bbs/joke/M.1506916579.A.2DC.html
噓 bingle: 噓
→ greencapave: → wuming2: 有些鄉民看到__或是__就不看  文學素養
→ greencapave: 很低
推 YummyDurant: G零一八快開打，騎士陣容超豪華
推 bingle: ㄟ，意麵你在懺悔什麼，一直在推，好可怕
→ asxu31: 看不懂
→ waxigu: 只看得懂標點符號
推 gold97972000: left
噓 FeO: ...
→ bomb1000: 錯字很多
→ freef1y3: 沒什麼雙關的笑點 應該都可翻成中文
推 smartddd: 我覺得還不錯欸 不過有蠻多錯字要想一下