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[hesione (我離開我自己)]

 天啦之前壓力山大

 剛才做惡夢夢到  還在穿衣服妝還沒畫
 婚禮的音樂已經響了其他伴娘已經走出去
 自己整個來不及
 滿身大汗被嚇醒…

 這次旅行太傷了
 途中好幾次
 睡一睡驚醒跳起來還沒醒想著
 糟糕現在幾點了
 要趕去哪裡搭飛機火車?!
 常常要花好一會才知道自己在哪裡

 連到家當晚睡一睡都跳起來
 驚慌的想
 “現在是哪裡???”
 “接下來要趕哪裡的行程???”
 而且太累睡太熟醒不太過來
 環顧四周好幾分鐘才認出自己現在在家裡
 已經不用再趕了
 Omg


…

I know you are trying to built rapport, as usual
你以為那些訊息能夠平撫什麼
如同過去一樣
但一切都不一樣了
我再也不會以過去的方式看你
或看待這段關係

你不知道我的回應僅僅出於禮貌
這麼做單純只因為我不願因為你改變自己的原則
做自己不想做的人
並不是認為你值得這些


為什麼當時退回你的禮物
因為那次的來訪
整個月從頭到尾都不對
之後種種也沒有對過
無論是分開後對我的善意的解讀或道歉

如果當時心裡知道應該
那麼即使出於某些原因沒做
你就不可能拿來當辯解的合理理由

會第一次道歉就這麼說
不會粉飾太平
直到發現我不願原諒你才去思考原因

你後來的所有懊悔 歉意
認為自己多麼不對
全都只是因為我的反應
不是真的。

如果不是我反應如此
you wouldn't consider it's something that I deserve to be treated.
這說明了一切
and it is a dealbreaker.

I'll never forgive you for this, ever.
這輩子，和如果有的下輩子

我不會再對你說不要再打擾我
因為任何的一切都變成是你給我的恩惠
讓人反感。


…

關於fearful attachment
主要兩個頻道的水準簡直雲泥之別
(怎麼會這麼極端 :'(
一個爛得十秒就聽不下去
另一個則是我看過最好的
簡直想引述整篇影片所有的話

她說到最關鍵的是
fa的挑戰在於
不只要改變對於存在的環境/對象的選擇
同時也要改變展現表達自己的策略
是雙重的改變所以非常困難
learn to show up honestly
learn to choose "where" it's more healthy.


10 signs:

1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment
2. You ricochet between over and under taking responsibility
3. You don't feel deserving of a healthy relationship
4. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are
   "very unlikely to take initiative"
5. Rationality and emotion are unintegrated for you
   "highly rational and highly emotional but not at the same time"

6. You are highly aware of power dynamics at all times
   "explains why it always feels unstable with S,
   both of us are highly sensitve towards power dynamics
   and want it to be tip over to our own benefits to be able to feel safe."

7. Your inconsistent emotions makes decision-making difficult

8. You read other people really easily

   "it's easier for them to spot other people for being dishonest.
    they tend to be pretty good at understanding how things are played,
    what people's motivation are,
    why or when people are lying
    or show up dishonestly,
    as well as which delusion that people may be holding about themselves

    they can see the area that people are often deluding themselves
    over or under relying on emotions,
    and having thought distortion.

    but they have difficulties with secure people
    who have no game plan and no strategy.
    it's difficult for them to believe someone who doesn't have
    that kind of mindset,
    which makes them very unlikely to be in a healthy situation."

9. You are frequently "upregulated" + chasing highs

    "needs emotional intensity,
    often get themselves in to volatile and triggering situation
    but unable to process it by dealing with vulnerability
    it makes them having the tendency to chase extremes
    / extrenal ways to relieve the pain."

10. You love hard but struggle to make room for relationships

    "feel the most regulated and non-stressful when they are alone.
    avoidance look for superficial relationship that
    they don't have to go deep at all.
    however FA want intensity
    but they don't want to make compromise and tend to be very rigid
    in relationship.


...


limerence serves a purpose in your mind.
The purpose of my limerence for S is to almost like having
a parent that I have never really had.
that someone is knowlegeable / emotionally stable enough to go to
for advices / guidance and feel safe being around with.
and I resent him for failing that position.

I am certain this is his limerence as well.
As he said how he'd imaging what our life would be like together
if it's in a different reality.
that it'd be perfect.
There are certain obsession and addction of this relationship.
He believes it must be how the drug addicts feels about drug
as the way he thinks of me.

Quite contrary to what people may assume,
mutual limerence doesn't lead to something real.
It may feel intense but somehow I just couldn't overlook
the discrepensy between what's real and fantasy.
That's why it always feels off.



--
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※ 文章網址: https://www.ptt.cc/bbs/prozac/M.1690801187.A.645.html
推 gagagaga: 深入我心
→ gagagaga: 我之前崩潰了，變尖銳，親近的長輩磨掉我的角，讓我做回
→ gagagaga: 自己，但長期的冷漠，讓我調整好的狀態粉碎了，只剩殘渣
※ 編輯: hesione (74.71.50.98 美國), 08/01/2023 08:53:08
推 qien: 改變環境與對自己誠實真是最關鍵的關鍵
→ qien: 我英文好爛喔